Help please...

[NottaPlayer]

Greetings. I know this is an unorthodox way of finding resolution to a unique problem, but I was hoping you all could help me.

My boyfriend is a video game junkie. No, really. As in flunked out of college, barely managed to find a job, blows of chores, his family, oh, and of course me. Gamming is the first thing he does when he wakes up and last thing he does before he goes to bed. Sometimes 18hours straight... I've seen him struggle with this for the last year and it has been absolutely devastating to so many aspects of his life. Please don't misunderstand me. He's a wonderful man and I love him very dearly, but I'm losing him to this "recreational activity".

There's a lot of info out there on video game addiction, but nothing on how to help resolve the problem. I know this is strange, but I was hoping to get some insight from actual players and not some third party psycho-analysis rhetoric. I'll take any and all suggestions. I've tried scheduling, lists, pleading, and I've really hit a wall.

So whadya think? Is my situation hopeless? Do I just need move on?

I really appreciate any honest input. You guys are my best and last resort.


Thanks in advance.

[TheRiddler]

I guess the problem with WoW (and most online games really) is the desire to 'keep up with the Joneses' - what I mean is, the times you are not on line, others are questing, levelling, gettign rewards etc, hence the time spent not online is time spent falling behind others.
Plus, like most addictions, WoW starts off giving you easy 'hits' (through levelling quickll at first), but later in the game, it becomes harder to level (takes longer) so you need to put more time into it to get the same satisfaction.
Games like WoW (and Everquest, City of Heroes etc) are designed to keep you playing as long as possible.
How to solve it is another matter:
Like all addictions, he needs to understand that he has a problem, and want to get over it - until he can realise that, then there is no point you trying anything.
The good news is that this is becoming a recognised problem (see the article on the front page about clinics you can go to)

[solfolango]

It's pretty hard to help you since I don't know your boyfriend personally - but if you tried to talk to him and if you signaled him that you cannot life with him if he does not regulate his gaming hours (I am interpreting your "moving on" a bit here) and he still does not see the need to adjust his behaviour - well, there are two choices here:

a) He is an addict. Unfortunately, the thought that one can be addicted to a video game is relatively new since the physical "reward" of other drugs is missing. Because of this, getting real help could be a pain in the ass.
b) He just doesn't care about anything (job, you and so on). Move on.

I am betting my money on a) and the first step is to make sure that he realizes what he does - and that he is an addict. Perhaps try to persuade him to leave gaming alone for a week, let's see if he can take it. Talk to him.

Good luck!

[NottaPlayer]

Clinics? Is this something that could be addressed with a therapist?

I'm really trying NOT to leave my boyfriend, but I can't live being second to a video game. It's really frustrating seeing him just dissolve.

How do people do this "part-time"? Are there once-a-week players? Surely there are people out there with children and families that find a mature way of handling video games?

Maybe a substitution? I've tried steering him towards martial arts, he's really good at the classes he's taken.

[Mort]

Well, not to coin a worn out phrase, but you first need to get your boyfriend to admit there is a problem. You need to show him that the game is taking too much time of his life, and show him what it is doing to him and the people around him.

There is one command in the game that you might consider using. Many people (including me) shun it because it will tell them someting they do not want to know. The command is "/played", and it will tell you how many minutes/hours/days/weeks/months the player has spent in game playing the character in question. If your boy friend is playing as much as you say, it will probably show several weeks, if not months. This may work like a spalsh of cold water in his face, and maybe make him realize how much of his life in consumed by the game.

Next you might try what I do whenever I feel like I play too much: a break of rutine. You see the danger with WoW is that it slides so neatly into your dayly rutine, that it becomes almost like eating breakfast: something you do out of old habbit. So whenever I need to break out of the rutine, I for example go fishing for the week end, or visit my brother or something like that. In your case you could maybe just go away for a week, to somewhere where your boyfriend cant even find an internet connection. Keep him occupied, and let him see that he can fill his day quite fine without WoW. If he doesnt want to go, maybe you can ask his friends or family to help convince him.

This works for me anyway, so it might work for your boyfriend too. But be warned, at best you might get him to reduce his play time. I doubt he will quit complety.

Hope any of this is of help to you. Good luck.

Mort

[NottaPlayer]

He has admitted that it's an issue. It's practically all he did this last semester and his grades were dismal. He know it bothers me and his other roommates because we have to pick up the slack when he "forgets" to do his chores.

It is not my preference that he quit playing completely, it's obviously something he enjoys, just a little moderation would be nice.

I reaaaally don't like playing second fiddle to this "other woman" in his life. No offense gentlemen. I've seen the ticker, the last time I looked at it, it said "18+ hours". I had gone to work and come back and he had been playing before I left and when I returned. Not bothering to sleep before an early morning shift he played right through.

I try to get him out of the house with me, but for the most part it's treated like an irritating inconvenience. Usually when I suggest he pause, I get snapped at. We have a vacation planned in August, I hope he'll be able to peel himself away. He plans his entire day around this game.

[swaldman]

He has admitted that it's an issue. It's practically all he did this last semester and his grades were dismal. He know it bothers me and his other roommates because we have to pick up the slack when he "forgets" to do his chores.

It is not my preference that he quit playing completely, it's obviously something he enjoys, just a little moderation would be nice.


Moderation is hard for some people. I've considered quitting completely for this reason, as I found that I had trouble playing "just a little". In fact what works for me at present is playing lots for a week and then stopping totally for a while. Personally I find it easier that way, but peoples' mileage varies.

If he's aware that it's an issue, and if he's really determined to stop... then maybe he should vendor all his equipment, delete his character, cancel his account, remove WoW from the computer and get rid of the game CDs from the house. All of these measures are intended to make it harder to get back into it. But whether he will be willing to do that is another matter, perhaps.

[NottaPlayer]

Before "WOW" there were other games.

What do you guys do when you AREN'T playing? Sports? Books?

My job and volunteer stuff take up a lot of my week, but my boyfriend doesn't seem very interested in community stuff.

I really appreciate everyone's honesty. This is a tough issue to tackle all by myself, and the insiders view helps a lot.

[Hettar]

Clinics? Is this something that could be addressed with a therapist?

I'm really trying NOT to leave my boyfriend, but I can't live being second to a video game. It's really frustrating seeing him just dissolve.

How do people do this "part-time"? Are there once-a-week players? Surely there are people out there with children and families that find a mature way of handling video games?

Maybe a substitution? I've tried steering him towards martial arts, he's really good at the classes he's taken.

Well, I used to play quite a lot (meaning 4-5 hours during week days, and more during wek ends) but that ended when I got other RL duties (getting a demanding job, living with gf...), and I found myself putting these two things (+meeting with friends) ahead of playing wow, so I naturally cut down my gaming time to a couple hours a week.
If he deeply cares about you and you make him realize his addiction is a problem, then I hope he'll be the bigger man and will start cutting down.
You should plan together his sessions, and gradually reduce them. In the mean time, it might be a good idea to find him another hobby or occupation, away from comp (sports, clubs, whatever) to keep his mind off thinking about wow.

If he's really too addicted for that, I believe there are clinics for that in the US.

Good luck !

ps: doh, I realize I spoke too much about myself, but this was just to prove that it was possible to drastically cut down on wow ;)

[Loriel]

This is indeed a very tricky issue, and I think most of the people who read and post on these forums have some experience with WoW addiction, either first hand or from someone they know.

This is maybe an oversimplification, but I would say there are two levels of addiction
1) Those people who realize that their real life is starting to suffer and manage to scale back
2) Those that do not realize this (or are possibly in denial of it), and burn out completely

A very talented and friendly warrior in my guild was in the second category. I started to notice that he was almost always logged on, he attended every raid and probably played 12+ hours a day, every day. One day he was no longer there and his name was removed from the guild roster. When I ask my guildies about what happened to him, I was told that he had burned out on the game at the expense of his real life commitments - so he had decided to quit cold turkey. He sharded (destroyed) or sold all his items and deleted his character.

For this guy (and possibly your boyfriend), there were no half measures to WoW - it's either 110% or 0%. The problem is usually the degree of damage inflicted upon that person's life and environment - be it friends, family, spouse, job, school, health etc.

Denial is the tell tale sign of any addict, and most people who are addicted to WoW (or any other game, really) will usually deny this fact. Your boyfriend might be admitting that he is addicted and that it is a problem, but he might be in denial about just how deep and serious that addiction is. It is a source of unconcious shame to many people, so when talking about it they tend to downplay the gravity of it.

I was suffering from (type 1:) addiction to WoW myself, so I recognise most of the symptoms. Ultimately it was my fiancee who made me realize the scope of it all and helped me to scale back. WoW was in my case impacting both of us, as she was herself playing the game - and was starting to get hooked herself. It started to be a negative factor in our relationship, so we toned it down - which is the adult and responsible thing to do.

Responsibility and accountability is the bottom line, I think. If you have no obligations beyond your own life then you can play WoW as much as you like, but most people have relationships with friends and family to think of, and also work, school etc. If your boyfriend wishes to play the game yet still maintain these relationships, then imho he needs to find a schedule in which the game can be played responsibly. If playing for only a few hours per week (compared to now) is not enough, then he should either
a) Quit the game completely, or
b) Maintain playing like now, thereby waiving his priveleges wrt relationships and work

In terms of what you can do, I would suggest an ultimatum - i.e. make him choose between WoW and you. If you don't like being second to a video game, then don't be. It sounds harsh, but from what you're telling me your boyfriend seems pretty deeply addicted - and this might be the only way to get your point across. Threatening to break it off might end the denial and produce a solution. Just be prepared for the possibility that he will choose WoW over you.. (in which case you should either cut your losses and leave, or try to solicit help from some clinic with experience in this field).

Best of luck to you :)

[rutty]

What do you guys do when you AREN'T playing? Sports? Books?


I go to work during the week, play in a Brass Band on Monday/Friday evenings and spend my entire weekend with my girlfriend (she lives a little distance away). I play WoW when I can, and I play it a lot when I do but I try not to let it affect more important things.

You're both pretty young and you seem pretty level-headed but he's really ignoring you at the moment. He's addicted to the game and it's messing up your relationship. Essentially, you're second to World of Warcraft and that's not right.

By all means help him, but I think you may need to dump him first. Tough love may get him moving, but if it doesn't then you obviously don't mean enough to him for it to make it worth your while staying with him. Tell him that he needs to see a therapist about his addiction, otherwise you're gone. And mean it. If he keeps it up it'll only make you unhappy and frustrated and that's not how it should be.

Good luck, and I hope you can make it work :)

[NottaPlayer]

Thanks again for the heartfelt advice. I want very much for this to work. He is such a smart, caring and wonderful guy to be around. There is so much potential there I just hate to see it lost for naught.

I will certainly try to propose therapy. I know a great lady that helped a friend of mine when she was having a tough time.

I hope he doesn't resent me for trying to help, I feel like most of the time he thinks I'm pesky.

I just took a big job and I'm going to have to move to the city I'm working for. I am blessed to work with some of the toughest broads I've come across in a long time and thankfully they look after their own. Anywho, I've been considering moving out and continuing to date my boyfriend. Just to see how he does when I'm not there.

Do you think the distance and possibly therapy would be a good approach? Would that give him enough responsibility to try and improve or is that not supportive enough?


Thank you SO much, you guys are really my salvation in this.

[Draguss]

I hate to say this but.....
1. I used to smoke 3 packs a day.
2. I used to drink to get drunk 7 days a week.

I am one of those that has to completely stop doing something. It sounds to me your boyfriend maybe the same way. So it's up to him, quit WOW and find something else that will fill the void. Hopefully it will be you and work but....

[Loriel]

One problem with addicts is that they see the people who are trying to help them as obstacles or nuisances. If your boyfriend finds you pesky it is most likely because you are standing between him and his addiction, i.e. the game. You are only trying to help him out and are looking out for his interests, which is a very respectable and adult thing to do, but your boyfriend might not see it that way. If this is the case then that just reinforces the impression that your boyfriend cares more about WoW than about you, which is plain wrong in my book.

I would certainly try an ultimatum and/or a professional therapist - whichever of these it will take for him to realize the severity of the situation. If you give him distance (and thus allow him to set his own schedule) without first etablishing the fact that this is a problem for your relationship, then I think he will keep on playing as much as it is humanly possible. In much the same way as there is no concept of "just one drink" for an alcoholic, it is very hard for a hardcore WoW addict to contain himself (or herself). It's a bit scary to compare WoW addiction to alcoholism, but the principles are imho very similar - possibly identical.

So I still believe in the "tough love" approach. If you want to help someone [help themselves], then there need to be consequences. Don't issue that ultimatum unless you are willing and able to back it up and actually go through with it, otherwise it's just a false threat.

A lot of serious words here, but video game addiction is a serious issue - and it's just starting to get recognition as a genuine affliction. Unfortunately, WoW is the perfect vehicle for it - for many people the game is simply too good to put down..

[sasja]

I think he probably needs help when he's come so far that you're seeking help from us rather than talking to him about it, and I don't think distance will solve the problem. I myself read this piece (http://p198.ezboard.com/folgafrm4.showMessage?topicID=46.topic) when my addiction was on its peak, and I could really recognise the early warning signs in my own life and seeing where it was all headed helped me set things in perspective. I had a long game break after that, and I mostly play just once a week these days. It's a good community, and I'm sure they'll have some good advice for you there, too. Best of luck!

[Imrei]

One problem with addicts is that they see the people who are trying to help them as obstacles or nuisances. If your boyfriend finds you pesky it is most likely because you are standing between him and his addiction, i.e. the game. You are only trying to help him out and are looking out for his interests, which is a very respectable and adult thing to do, but your boyfriend might not see it that way. If this is the case then that just reinforces the impression that your boyfriend cares more about WoW than about you, which is plain wrong in my book.

Been There, Done That... Bought the T-Shirt.

I am a Gaming Addict. Asheron's Call, Everquest, Horizons, Asheron's Call 2, and now World of Warcraft. (god, I would list the rest of them, but this thread isn't long enough... I started back in the apple days!!)

As I started into my addiction, I played and played and played. My wife understood that I was being entertained, and did NOT understand that an addiction was forming. My children were young, and did not notice anything. Over the years, gaming started becoming more and more of my day. It got to the point where I would come home from work, log on and play. Dinner was out of the question!! I was playing!! I would only log off after the wife and kids were in bed, and then I went right to sleep. My wife tried to help me do other things, but I felt she was just bothering me and darn it, that next level was right around the corner!! When I was at work, my performance fell because I was always thinking about what I was going to be doing in-game that evening. There was a point where I would call in to work because i was "sick".. amazingly enough, my illnesses usually centered around new content being put into the game... The urge to see the new stuff "first" was like icing on the cake to me...

It was hard, one of the hardest things to do in my life actually... but I managed to get it under control. The biggest wake-up call was when my son started playing as well, and I watched him fall under the same spell.

There are two ways for your boyfriend to really deal with this. Quit completely (easiest in the long run, harder intitially...) or MANAGE IT (easy intitially, but harder in the long run.)

I chose to manage it. My son and I both cut our gaming hours down, bit by bit, each day. We found other things to keep busy with. It was incredibly hard. if we even had 1 minute of spare time, we both found each other wandering over to the keyboard and 'logging on to chat quick with everyone...'.

It took time, and help from both my wife and my daughter. But, my son and I manage to still enjoy gaming and have a 'real' life.

Its still hard. VERY HARD. However, my wife and kids are far more important than a video game. My son feels the same. He has become more active in extra-ciricular (spelling??) activities in school, and handles things FAR better than me actually. I still feel the pull......

[TheRiddler]

Thanks again for the heartfelt advice. I want very much for this to work. He is such a smart, caring and wonderful guy to be around.


Hmm - you aren't my wife are you? :ponder:

[yavvy]

Well, theres the parental control, to cut the gaming times.

[Naolin]

WoW addiction is something I faced as well. I been a gamer for ages (since I was little) and I never been addicted before, I did sports played outside like all other kids just that I didn't read books when it was raining and stuff I was playing games.
However not that long ago I hit a bump in my personal life and WoW took over. My grades started dropping and I kinda messed up my social life (still picking up the pieces)
unlike your boyfriend I had to face this alone (he's a lucky guy I hope he will realise this).
It's hard to admit you have an addiction, you say he already done that. I doubt he really sees how bad it is, he'll have to understand it's comparable to drug addiction or alchohol addiction (although many of us don't see it that way)

how to drag him out of there? I have no idea. I myself got slapped in the face by my /played and the fact that I got totally screwed over by my school. I then realised I had to act and get out of my comfy chair. I quit wow for 3 months and started doing sports again (sports help a lot) Now I'm playing wow again, but only as much as I think is normal.

[Tollin]

It's been proven that video games release endorphins in the brain that give you a high.

Addicts don't know when to quit until they lose something so important to them that the act of losing said person scares them more than not getting their next "fix".

If you are still living with him and still nagging him, well that has turned into a comfortable routine between you too and so he is not afraid of losing you anymore.

If you move out and start living your life, he will wake up. Will he wake up right away, probably not but he will wake up. However, the sad part of this is it won't be a Hollywood ending. You will most likely have moved on with your life by then. He will be upset and sad by losing you but if it wakes him to his addiction then his future will get brighter.

I know I was a porn addict and I lost my first marriage due to it and nearly lost my second marriage. Church helped me out. And I do find myself getting pulled to play WoW non-stop. However, I learned enough will power from my previous addiction to be able to stop myself and not ruin my marriage and life with playing WoW.

Good luck and God Bless.

However, please remember that you can't force anyone other than yourself to change. If he doesn't want help your only wasting your time.

I forgot to tell you or give you some pointers to help him.

What I do is I "earn" my play time. By that I mean I have things I have to do FIRST before I can play WoW. Just like with children I do it to myself. I.E. Clean house, do dishes, work on home/yard/car etc...

you get the idea

[RebirthOfMak]

Just don't delete his character, cancel his account, or delete WoW from his harddrive and throw his disks out. If he's as addicted as you say this might send
him into a rampage killing you and others.

[Imrei]

However, please remember that you can't force anyone other than yourself to change. If he doesn't want help your only wasting your time.

Tollin is 110% right.. the person has to WANT to change. That was the hardest part for me and my son... we had to realize what was happening, and then we had to figure out what was more important in life, and then we had to WANT to change it.....

My son and I are some of the lucky ones... yeah, I still play, and YES.. I cruise the forums at work... But, its a daily battle with me to control my urge to just "keep on playing"... I force myself to log off at certain times, and whenever my family would like me to be with them.

There was a link above to Online Gamers Anonymous. I really do recommend you visit and look there... and that you ask your boyfriend to do so as well...

There are some pretty sad stories there, and reading them might wise him up to what the future can hold...

[NottaPlayer]

Just don't delete his character, cancel his account, or delete WoW from his harddrive and throw his disks out. If he's as addicted as you say this might send
him into a rampage killing you and others.


Yeah, I'm not THAT kind of girlfriend! If he want's to take care of this issue it's going to be him that does it. That way the success is his as well.

I'm going to look into Gamer's Anonymous. I think it would really help him to see how his peers have dealt with their problems. I don't think he'll have to quit permanently, but from what I'm gathering, a WOW vacation might be in order, just until we can get things under control.

Thank you so much you guys. It was really hard for me to get on here and ask for help from the people that my boyfriend "gets high" with. I don't really know a lot of other hardcore gamers and for me it was a real shot in the dark. I have gained a lot of respect from the community here and the players. Thanks, really.

[cyradis2003]

Well, theres the parental control, to cut the gaming times.


Since this may have been lost in the other good advice.


There is a parental control function on WOW which allows you to set the hours you are allowed to log in and I think will automatically kick you off whan the time is up.

Talk to your boyfriend, if he is trying to cut back but just can't do it then ask him if it would help to set the parental controls to allow him time to do his raids and some other things but limit him to reasonable access. I would say let him set the times and hours and then see how he lives within the schedule. As time goes ask him for a little bit more of his time here and there and keep weaning him into a more normal schedule.


That said ... some men respond to reward better than punishment. Bribery is a tried and true method of correcting behavior as evinced in dog training and teaching children to use the potty. Start offering other activities like movies with things that go boom, his favorite meals etc. Steering away from the obious rewards since that should never be used as a weapon.

(ok, the men stopped reading ... USE WHAT WORKS!!!)


PS - most of us aren't really hardcore as far as I know. I think this is one of the more stable WOW forum populations and it tends to cater to a more mature audience. No name calling, no hair pulling, play nice because the MODS really do read and participate. We may have some people here with a long time playing in and many high level characters but none of the regulars (not speaking for the one time posters that get banned all the time) would have been mean to a nice person like yourself asking for help.