Currently Untitled (involves Warsong Gulch)

[Sulvanis]

Hey guys, I don't think this story is very good yet but I'd like some advice and collective criticism or whatever its called. I hope you guys enjoy.

Sulvanis drew back her string and released it, watching in slow-motion as it glided through the air and landed in the side of an undead. It shrieked in pain, but Sulvanis did not notice. Her attention was already on a troll rogue trying to sneak behind an unsuspecting human paladin who was busily engaged with two other horde. Squinting one eye, Sulvanis stared straight down the path of her bow. Crap. I can’t kill him without risking hitting one of our own. She shouted out in frustration. The rogue was steadily approaching the paladin, only a couple of paces away now. It stealthed, and she could not see it anymore.
Suddenly, the rogue went flying sideways, thwacked by the club of a warrior who had discovered it while fighting alongside the paladin. Breathing a sigh of relief, Sulvanis passively shot an approaching Tauren warrior in the leg. He was quickly dispatched by a nearby human warrior. An orc hunter dashed past her, obviously going for the flag. Drawing an arrow to her bow, Sulvanis took careful aim. This one was strong; she would have to hit a critical point. She drew back her string and prepared to fire. Crack! What the hell was that? “Aaaaaaaaaaaaagggggggggghhhhhh!!” Sulvanis shouted in anguish. At least three vertebra in her spine had been split by a backstab. Then, as suddenly as the pain had come, it left. She slumped to her knees in a daze, and she knew she had been sapped as well. While sapped, she only had enough strength to turn her head sideways half an inch. She saw two figures in the distance, running into the Alliance Base. She recognized them immediately as rogues, far away as they were. They were both trolls.
I’ve failed the Alliance. I let in not only a hunter, but two rogues as well. Then Sulvanis got up, for the effects of the sap had worn off, though she was still left exhausted. She called upon the aspect of the cheetah to grant her extra speed. Grunting in pain, the night elf hunter dashed inside the base, blood leaving a ghastly trail behind her. Sulvanis saw the rogues, and she was gaining on them. Putting the hunter’s mark on one, she let fly an aimed shot. The arrow found itself a spot in the back of the troll’s thick skull. The murderous rogue immediately dropped dead, but the other turned and sprinted towards the wounded night elf with a glare of hatred strung taut on his face. In seconds he was upon her, his blue and red blades flying left and right. Sulvanis, her face a pale white mask of death of fear, barely fended herself with her axe in one hand and her dagger in the other. The first blow knocked the dagger from her grasp, and she fell back with a scream. The next shot she managed to parry with her one-handed axe, but the other blow, following in quick succession, cut her across her right shoulder. The troll gave a howl and attacked her yet again. Blood was pouring from her shoulder, and her back was a grueling mess of blood and bone splinters. She knew she was losing way too much blood, way too fast. Suddenly everything went into slow-motion for Sulvanis. The wounded elf could see the orc hunter running from the Alliance base with the flag in his hand, his face a crazed mask of triumph. The rogue’s blue sword was slowly making its way to Sulvanis’ head in a brilliant arc of destruction. A priest was following the orc. With the last of her energy, Sulvanis leapt backwards from the ground. She had lost more blood than most could’ve without dying, let alone fainting. As such, her leap was quite unsuccessful. The blade missed her head but instead grazed her chest. Then she knew no more.


I'd really like feedback from everyone who reads this. -Sulvanis

[Sulvanis]

I'd reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally appreciate feedback from everyone who reads. Should I continue? -Sulvanis

[Jondar]

No. To be blunt, don't continue. Stories like this are a dime a dozen. It is the tendency of most to write battle scenes of creatures we don't care about. Funny enough, these characters almost always have the superhuman ability to kill just about anything in their path and escape death by a hair - always. I didn't read the whole thing; I got about 2 lines in, but I'm assuming that's what happens.

Remember that thing called a plot? Make this night elf someone we care about. Make her someone we DON'T want to see dead, and make her enemies people we DO want to see dead. If you want to write a battle scene, great. Do it. Just give it a hair of emotion and depth.

[Sulvanis]

Thank you VERY much Jondar. I was not aware that I had not made my characters known, though it is very obvious that I did not. I guess I just wanted some crazy fighting, lol. Thanks for the tip. I'll think about it, and then post a new beginning most likely. Again, thank you. Not only did you bluntly tell me what I was doing wrong, but also how to fix it. Peace out. -Sulvanis

[Niderin]

Hey here is some feed back for you. Dont call out moves and aspects. Make it like a prayer to nature or somethin like that because when you say aspect of cheetah it makes it feel like game. Dont feel to bad ive made the same mistake

[joejoeirish]

Just remember, keep writing. That is how you get better. Listen the the feedback but don't get knocked down by it.

Remember, most people are used to reading from profressional authors at the peak of thie career- and even then sometimes the reader gets bored.

So don't expect it to be the same level- and don't expect people to say it's as good as a book the've read.

But if you can add anything or any character that people do care about- even a little- you've added something worthwhile. Just remember not everything you write is gonna end up as literature!

[Sulvanis]

Thanks guys. I'll remember all you're advice when I have time or feel like re-writing this. -Sulvanis (Illidan Server)

[Stigg]

Hey here is some feed back for you. Dont call out moves and aspects. Make it like a prayer to nature or somethin like that because when you say aspect of cheetah it makes it feel like game. Dont feel to bad ive made the same mistake

Touche. Nothing detaches me more from sotries than reading "the human warrior used battle shout on the forsaken rogue." But other than that, it was one of the better stories I have read on here!

One side note though...if you ARE sticking to ingame situations...your hero couldn't have been backstabbed then sapped. She would have been in combat.

[rottentomato]

your use of one word stuck out as a sharp thorn from a bush

BLOOD

there are other ways to depict the view of blood without using the word itself

"Blood was pouring from her shoulder, and her back was a grueling mess of blood and bone splinters. She knew she was losing way too much blood, way too fast"


you could rewrite this and make it more effective and less repetitive

as the dagger crossed her shoulder, a fine red mist shot out like a fountain, causing a slight dizzyness to approach her, much like when looking down from extreme heights. she knew that without aid her wounds would surely be the end of her

[fallonquinn]

Just some construction comments for you. I'd shy away from words ending in 'ly'. It gives everything a cheese factor to it.

Monica briskly walked down the street.

Monica walked down the street.

Briskly and most 'ly' adverbs sound redundant. Another thing I noted was it the tone of your story has more of a fast paced 'I'm telling this to someone' feel. Find a perspective. Don't use a passive when you can use a present.

"He was quickly dispatched by a nearby human warrior. An orc hunter dashed past her, obviously going for the flag."

Quickly, was, and obviously, no need for them for those words there. Give it some 'umph'.

"An orc flashed past her; nothing more than a flicker of movement in the corner of her eye."

Some jazz like that. Keep writing. It's the only way you'll get better. Trust me, you'll catch the feel of it. Good luck.

Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang,
Fallon

[rottentomato]

Just some construction comments for you. I'd shy away from words ending in 'ly'. It gives everything a cheese factor to it.

Monica briskly walked down the street.

Monica walked down the street.

Briskly and most 'ly' adverbs sound redundant. Another thing I noted was it the tone of your story has more of a fast paced 'I'm telling this to someone' feel. Find a perspective. Don't use a passive when you can use a present.

"He was quickly dispatched by a nearby human warrior. An orc hunter dashed past her, obviously going for the flag."

Quickly, was, and obviously, no need for them for those words there. Give it some 'umph'.

"An orc flashed past her; nothing more than a flicker of movement in the corner of her eye."

Some jazz like that. Keep writing. It's the only way you'll get better. Trust me, you'll catch the feel of it. Good luck.

Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang,
Fallon



YOU NEED TO FINISH YOUR STORY!! ITS DRIVING ME INSANE!!