funny jokes ive found

[StealthAssasin]

lol these ones are pretty funny ive found :rolleyes:


----A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!". Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep.

The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!", the mom answered, "I know - April Fools!"


----Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?

So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

-----My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

----What not to say to the nice policeman:

Hey, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good Job!

[ambushingAnA]

ROFL!

*claps*

i thought they were funny!

this one isnt really a joke but still


Man Lacerates Penis with Hedgehog


I guess it goes to show that witchdoctors still hold a lot of power in some places of the world...
A Serbian man needed emergency surgery after he had sex with a hedgehog on a witchdoctor's advice.

WTF ????

Zoran Nikolovic, 35, from Belgrade, says the witchdoctor told him it would cure his premature ejaculation.

But he ended up in an operating theatre after the hedgehog's needles left his penis severely lacerated.

A hospital spokesman said: "The animal was apparently unhurt and the patient came off much worse from the encounter. We have managed to repair the damage to his penis.

and now back the to the news room!

rofl

also!

Angry doc cuts off patient's penis
Stuff.co.nz | Thursday, 18 January 2007

In a fit of rage, a Romanian doctor cut off a patient's penis during surgery and then proceeded to mutilate it.

The 36-year-old Romanian man had gone into Bucharest hospital to have corrective surgery on one of his testicles. During the operation, surgeon Naum Ciomu lost his temper, picked up a scalpel and hacked off the man's penis.

To the shock of the nursing staff, he then placed the penis on the operating table and proceeded to chop it into small pieces before storming out of the theatre, the Metro.co.uk website reported this week.

Afterwards, Ciomu claimed he had been under stress and lost his temper after he accidentally cut the man's urinary channel and 'overreacted'.

Ciomu has since had his medical license suspended and a Romanian court has ordered him to pay $NZ284,351 in damages to the man with the mutilated member.

The court also ordered the hospital to pay $NZ56,858 costs to the man to pay for the operation to rebuild his penis using tissue from his arm.

(is suspecting it 2 b deleted)

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the
moment,
it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person,
which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully
at the age of 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the
coffin.

They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

[Sundestroyer]

ROFL!

*claps*

i thought they were funny!

this one isnt really a joke but still


Man Lacerates Penis with Hedgehog


I guess it goes to show that witchdoctors still hold a lot of power in some places of the world...
A Serbian man needed emergency surgery after he had sex with a hedgehog on a witchdoctor's advice.

WTF ????

Zoran Nikolovic, 35, from Belgrade, says the witchdoctor told him it would cure his premature ejaculation.

But he ended up in an operating theatre after the hedgehog's needles left his penis severely lacerated.

A hospital spokesman said: "The animal was apparently unhurt and the patient came off much worse from the encounter. We have managed to repair the damage to his penis.

and now back the to the news room!

rofl


Um..so what it doesn't say is whether or not the cure worked. Hahahaha...does he still have the problem?

[midknightman]

ok
theres this women on a plane. the planes starts to have trouble and is going down. so the women siting in her seat thinks to her self "if im going to die im going to die like a women." so she jumps out of her seat, strps naked and screams "if im going to die i want to die feeling like a women. Is there a man, man enough on this plane to make me feel like a women." So this big brawly guy jumps out of his seat rips off his shirt and says "her iron this."

[Azaha]

ok
theres this women on a plane. the planes starts to have trouble and is going down. so the women siting in her seat thinks to her self "if im going to die im going to die like a women." so she jumps out of her seat, strps naked and screams "if im going to die i want to die feeling like a women. Is there a man, man enough on this plane to make me feel like a women." So this big brawly guy jumps out of his seat rips off his shirt and says "her iron this."

Ouch !!!! not very PC that ! LOL

[kcma]

PC kills alot of funny stuff *wink*

here's a classic (for me):

3 men stranded on an island and captured by savage natives! the chief says to first man,

"50 woola woola or death?"

first men thought, i dont know what woola woola is... but... i don't want to die! so he says,

"WOOLA WOOLA!"

the chief kicked him in the balls 50 times and let him go, then turned to the second man,

"50 woola woola or death?"

the second man thought... wow... i... really... don't want to... die... and said,

"woola... woola..."

the chief kicked him in the balls 50 times mroe and let him go too... and turned to the 3rd man and asked,

"50 woola woola or death?"

the third men thought, there is no way i can suffer this pain and shame! so he said,

"death..."

the chief let out a very wide grin and says,

"okay, death! by woola woola!"

[StealthAssasin]

lol!

Diarea is genetic it runs in ur jeans

--------------------


:O holy crap lol :) funny stuffz :laughing:



and i wuff u to ana lol:flowers:

[Valas Azuviir]

Joke has been nuked. It seems certain folks are forgetting that these boards are rated PG-13. Might want to keep that in mind, because our patience is finite. And the end of the road is becoming visible.

[lookinforhelp]

a little gurl had a pet turtle
on her pets turtle feet there were all blisters and cuts
so she takes her turtle to the vet and
the doctor says
"whats wrong"
the little gurl says
"i think my turtles broke"
the doctor says
"well okay lets take a look at him"
so they go in the room the vet applies
disinfectants on the turtles feet
and bandages it up
handing the turtle to the gurl
he says
"here you go all fixed up"
so the little gurl says
"thank you"
takes her turtle
bends down
and then
starts pushing and pulling it across the floor





well it might be that funny now but it was hilarious at thanksgiving.......
oh well





if you dont get it she was treating her turtle like those toy cars you pull back on and let go

[Clavina]

----A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!". Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep.

The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!", the mom answered, "I know - April Fools!"

I think that this would offend blind people if they read it

[Stigg]

I think that this would offend blind people if they read it

:ponder: :shocked: :laughing:

Best joke in here!

[Foonyak]

You want me to translate that into Braille for ya, Stigg? :grin:

[Stigg]

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to
her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some
machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the
plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out my beer.

--------------------------------------------------------------------
The Perfect WAL - MART GREETER

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Heck no they ain't; the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the heck would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike?"

"No," replies the greeter. "I just couldn't believe that someone would have slept with you twice."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the
entrance
is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE !

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband . .

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign
reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Four guys are telling stories in a bar. One guy leaves for a bathroom break. Three guys are left. The first guy says, "I was worried that my son was gonna be a loser because he started out washing cars for a local dealership. Turns out that he got a break, they made him a salesman, and he sold so many cars that he bought the dealership. In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy says, "I was worried about my son too because he started out raking leaves for a Realtor. Turns out HE got a break, they made him a commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought the real estate firm. In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new house for his birthday."

The third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you. My son started out sweeping floors in a brokerage firm. In fact, he's so rich that he just gave HIS best friend a million in stock for his birthday."

The fourth guy comes back from the can. The first 3 explain that they are telling stories about their kids, so he says, "Well, I'm embarrassed to admit that my son is a MAJOR disappointment. He started out as a hairdresser and is STILL a hairdresser after 15 years. In fact, I just found out that he's gay and has SEVERAL boyfriends. But, I try to look at the bright side: his boyfriends just bought him a new Mercedes, a new house, and a million in stock for his birthday."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the 2004 Summer Olympics that they would most like to take back:

1) Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
2) Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3) Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
4) Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries,and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
5) Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
6) Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
7) At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
8) Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
9) Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?" !
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."

"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the
feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic; 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on; 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves; 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.
__________________----------------------------------------------------
Billy Bob and Vern talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Vern, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go and all."

"Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Pauline got pregnant.

"Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Pauline got pregnant again.

"Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Pauline didn't get pregnant again."

Vern asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Pauline with me."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two deer hunters were standing on a ridge near a highway in rural Minnesota on the opening day of deer season.

They both saw a trophy-class buck meandering towards them. As the one hunter raised his gun to shoot, a funeral procession came slowly by.

The hunter lowered his gun, took off his hat, and stood with his head bowed until the procession was past. Of course by then, the deer was long gone.

The other hunter exclaimed; "Wow! You allowed this trophy buck to escape while showing such compassion and kindness toward someone's dearly departed. You are a great humanitarian and a shining example to sportsmen throughout the world!"

That was the most sportsmanlike act I've ever seen!
.
.
.
.
The first hunter nodded and said; "Well, she & I were married for 42 years".

[analovesme]

I believe it was you who originally complained about the other joke in here that got deleted. So please, don't be a hypocrite. We decide what's appropriate for the forum, and that was not.

And by the way, the joke you complained about wasn't Stigg's, it was Ana's.

-snowieken

[ambushingAnA]

rofl!! *waits for it to be deleted*

[analovesme]

i doubt it will be deleted compared to stiggs joke i would say mine are more kid friendly(hmmmmmmm well not so kid friendlt but more pg-13)

[ambushingAnA]

i get told off for having true storys posted in da joke forum and then other peoples jokes r jst as dirty jst about

[analovesme]

your joke was true!

ROFLMAO

[Dutchgrass]

It's okay, he'll get banned again soon enough anyway. :rolleyes:

I'd love this forum to have an ignore function just like the official ones, would be great to not have to wade through certain people's posts.

[analovesme]

dutchgrass i dont really no you

but why don't you give me a friendly hug while im here ROFL

it really hurts my feelings when people dont likey my posts(lol)

but seriously whats wrong with the posts i bet you laughed and if you didnt maybe you can buy a sense of humor from ebay?rofl j/k

[ambushingAnA]

*pets dutchie*

maybe he can be our lover 2 mister fat craft

[snowieken]

My God, how long will he keep this up?

[ambushingAnA]

did you do a ip ban on him snowy hun?

[snowieken]

Not yet, but it might be time for that. Only admins can do that, I'm just a lowly moderator.

[ambushingAnA]

aw snowy *hugs you* its okies mister you will win with fat craft soon maybe if you bite his arm?

[Stigg]

What happened?!?!
I think this is my lesson to never fal asleep and instead just keep cliking the refresh button!

It's okay, he'll get banned again soon enough anyway. :rolleyes:

I'd love this forum to have an ignore function just like the official ones, would be great to not have to wade through certain people's posts.

You can. go to your CP! I had that worldoffatcraft ignored for quite soemt time!

------------------------------------------------------------------------
When the wise company president learned that his employees were tanking up on no-trace vodka martinis during their lunch hours, he issued the following memo:

To all employees; If you must drink during your lunch hour, please drink whiskey. It is better for our customers to know you're drunk than to think you're stupid.

--------------------------------------------------------------
Here is a cute one :P
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida . Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but in it, they all jump up and down with hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out.

They go cruising in their golf carts!

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds.

Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked centre for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.

Edit: Sorry for the double post :hide:

[Dutchgrass]

You can. go to your CP! I had that worldoffatcraft ignored for quite soemt time!


Oh my, I never noticed that. Awesome! Such bliss.
THANKS! :thumbsup:

[Stigg]

Oh my, I never noticed that. Awesome! Such bliss.
THANKS! :thumbsup:

Dutchgrass is now ignoring you.
HEY!:laughing:

[Stigg]

The day after her husband disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage woman answered her door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your husband," said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find him?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mrs. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, ma'am, but this morning we found your husband's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, she asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled him up, he had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to him." Stunned, Mrs. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull him up again tomorrow."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position with the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture and said, "To be a police officer, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office. The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but....." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

SOUTHERN SURVIVOR: Because of the popularity of the Survivor shows, several southern TV stations are joining together and are planning to do their own, entitled:

"SURVIVOR - SOUTHERN STYLE".

The contestants will start in Alabama, travel over to Georgia and on to South Carolina. From there they will head up to North Carolina and over to Tennessee. They will then proceed down to Mississippi and Louisiana, finally ending up back in Alabama.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with New Jersey license plates and large bumper stickers that read:

I'm Gay -- I'm a Vegetarian -- NASCAR Sucks -- Go Yankees -- Hillary in
2008 -- Big 10 rules, SEC drools -- and -- Deer Hunting is Murder!

The first one that makes it back to Montgomery alive, wins.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now here is one I have personally tried (albeit not 20 shots....). Unfortunately, it resulted in me getting a perma-ban sticker for that bar....

So the bartender lines up 20 shots of his best Scotch and watches this guy down one after the other.

"Man," the bartender says, "I've never seen anyone drink shots that fast!"
"You'd drink them that fast too if you have what I have," the guy says.

"Oh my God," says the bartender, "what do you have?"

"50 cents."

[xxlebox]

roflmaool (never heard that one before :P)

those stories were great xD

Joke deleted, as expected.

[Stigg]

Good story! I don't think the Mods will like it though.

[xxlebox]

We'll see, if they don't I just delete it :)

[snowieken]

The rules are missing for the moment. Valas made a sticky in this forum with the rules as they were, and nothing is said about this particular thing, but that's when we trust members to use their own judgement.

I am wary of joke threads. Why? Because people can not refrain from posting inappropriate jokes. I am not a puritan and I don't mind naughty jokes, often they are the funniest ones, but please keep in mind that some of our users are children of no more than 8 years old. Naughty jokes are to a certain extent allowed in here, but whenever you start... "naming" things... it turns ugly.

Use better judgement next time, or this thread will soon get closed.

[xxlebox]

Alright, but are there really any 8 year old children checking this forum and playing WoW, if so... that must explain my problem with people acting really childish :)

[snowieken]

A few of our members have stated that their 8-year old children do read the forums and play the game, so hey... Even if not, it's just a matter of common decency.

[xxlebox]

It is, it is.
And believe me, I know what's decent and what's not, but I didn't think I'd "hurt" anyone on this forum with it ;)

guess I'll have to get another story then

[StealthAssasin]

ROFL funniest forum thread ever ;)

[ambushingAnA]

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.

As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting them as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?" Flynn said, "Why would you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror!".

[StealthAssasin]

ROFL lol xD bandaids on the mirror lol

[ambushingAnA]

Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a farmer.

One morning, before he goes out to the fields, the farmer says to her, "The artificial insemination man is coming to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a big nail into the two-by-four over the cow's stall. You show him where it is."

The farmer leaves, and a while later, the artificial insemination man arrives. Amy takes him down the rows of cows until she sees the nail.

She says, "This is the one, right here."

The man says, "How do you know?"

Amy says, "By the nail over its stall."

The man says, "What's the nail for?"

Amy says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."

[Ju Smurph]

Two fish in a fish bowl.

One fish turns to the other and asks "How do we drive this thing?"

[StealthAssasin]

-------A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

------Who does Michael Jackson consider a perfect 10?

Two 5 year old boys.

------A blonde girl comes rushing home to her mum and says: "Mummy mummy! Today at school everyone could only count to 3 but I can count to 5. Look - 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Does that mean I am special mummy?"

"Yes dear it does."

The next day the blonde girl comes running in again and says: "Mummy mummy! Today at school everyone could only say the alphabet from A to C but I can go until E. Look - A, B, C, D, E. Does that mean I am special mummy?"

"Yes dear it does."

The next day the blonde girl comes rushing home and says "Mummy mummy! Today at school we were getting changed for physical excercises and all the other girls had really flat chests but I had these ...!" She opens her blouse and reveals a humungous pair of DD breasts. "Is it because I am special mummy?"

"No dear it's because you are 25."

LOve teh old classic blonde jokes lol:grin: :rolleyes: :afro:

[Gormash]

Two whales were swimming around in the north sea when one of them suddenly spotted a whaling ship.
He nudged the other whale and said "Hey, lets go tip that ship over".
- "Well, I dunno..."
- "Aw come ON, it'll be FUN!"
- "Okay okay, then."

So the whales surfaced to take a deep breath, then swam directly beneath the whaling ship and blew with all their might, making the ship tip over.

The fist whale, noticing all the sailor swimming around helpless, nudged the other whale again.
- "Say, what do you say... Shall we EAT some of those buggers?"
- "No WAY! I went along with the blowjob, but I'm NOT eating the seamen!"

[StealthAssasin]

Two whales were swimming around in the north sea when one of them suddenly spotted a whaling ship.
He nudged the other whale and said "Hey, lets go tip that ship over".
- "Well, I dunno..."
- "Aw come ON, it'll be FUN!"
- "Okay okay, then."

So the whales surfaced to take a deep breath, then swam directly beneath the whaling ship and blew with all their might, making the ship tip over.

The fist whale, noticing all the sailor swimming around helpless, nudged the other whale again.
- "Say, what do you say... Shall we EAT some of those buggers?"
- "No WAY! I went along with the blowjob, but I'm NOT eating the seamen!"

ROFL lol funny stuffz :laughing:

[amazing barrel of nachos]

hahahaha! funny stuff! ive got one

a snail walks into a bar and asks for some whiskey the bartender says ''i dont serve snails'' and throws it away 5 years later he sees the snail on the counter and it says what did you do that for?!?





i know its awful:cry: but i tried:smiley:

[xxlebox]

Two whales were swimming around in the north sea when one of them suddenly spotted a whaling ship.
He nudged the other whale and said "Hey, lets go tip that ship over".
- "Well, I dunno..."
- "Aw come ON, it'll be FUN!"
- "Okay okay, then."

So the whales surfaced to take a deep breath, then swam directly beneath the whaling ship and blew with all their might, making the ship tip over.

The fist whale, noticing all the sailor swimming around helpless, nudged the other whale again.
- "Say, what do you say... Shall we EAT some of those buggers?"
- "No WAY! I went along with the blowjob, but I'm NOT eating the seamen!"


hehe nice one, I wonder though, mine wasn't that much different was it?

[StealthAssasin]

hahahaha! funny stuff! ive got one

a snail walks into a bar and asks for some whiskey the bartender says ''i dont serve snails'' and throws it away 5 years later he sees the snail on the counter and it says what did you do that for?!?





i know its awful:cry: but i tried:smiley:

lol good one :) i think so :ponder: :tongue:

[Brene]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?", the teacher asked.
"Yes ma'am," Johnny replied. "My daddy told me a story about my Aunt Nancy. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.

"She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife till the blade broke, and then she killed the last one with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens" cried the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy give you from this horrible story?"

"Stay the f ___ away from Aunt Nancy when she's drinking."

========================================================
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asks
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I can't see my ass coming into work today"

========================================================
A 6 year-old tells his 4 year-old brother "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 Year-olds nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass.' ok?" The 4 year-old agrees with enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year-old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK!!! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. She locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay in there until I let you out."

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year-old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know, but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."

========================================================
A guy walks into the local welfare office for his monthly check. He marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi. You know, I just HATE coming in here drawing welfare month after month. I'd really much rather have a job".

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur-bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.

The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy says, "You're bull****ting me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it." .....

========================================================
"Some people are like Slinky's. They don't really serve a purpose; but they bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs!"

[amazing barrel of nachos]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?", the teacher asked.
"Yes ma'am," Johnny replied. "My daddy told me a story about my Aunt Nancy. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.

"She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife till the blade broke, and then she killed the last one with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens" cried the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy give you from this horrible story?"

"Stay the f ___ away from Aunt Nancy when she's drinking."

========================================================
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asks
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I can't see my ass coming into work today"

========================================================
A 6 year-old tells his 4 year-old brother "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 Year-olds nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass.' ok?" The 4 year-old agrees with enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year-old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK!!! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. She locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay in there until I let you out."

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year-old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know, but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."

========================================================
A guy walks into the local welfare office for his monthly check. He marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi. You know, I just HATE coming in here drawing welfare month after month. I'd really much rather have a job".

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur-bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.

The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy says, "You're bull****ting me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it." .....

========================================================
"Some people are like Slinky's. They don't really serve a purpose; but they bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs!"

lol i like the one with aunt nancy



heres one


a young boy finds a bb gun and thinks its a candy dispenser so he puts it down his throat and fires it.the young boys brother goes to his funeral and sobs saying":hanky: he was so goo-:shocked: what the f**ck did he do to my shotgun!

[snowieken]

a young boy finds a bb gun and thinks its a candy dispenser so he puts it down his throat and fires it.the young boys brother goes to his funeral and sobs saying":hanky: he was so goo-:shocked: what the f**ck did he do to my shotgun!I'm frankly not sure if I should keep that one alive. For the record, I think it's quite harsh and not even remotely funny.

[amazing barrel of nachos]

I'm frankly not sure if I should keep that one alive. For the record, I think it's quite harsh and not even remotely funny.

sorry delete it if you must