Need opinions

[nocandyforu]

I'm making up (I'm only 14 and have no real hopes of really making it) a game, an MMORPG to be exact. I was wondering if anyone here would actually play it (and even like it) if I did make it. I have no title yet. It has 4 main continants, 1 minor continant, 20 races, 4 factions. Which are Synacate (basicly the horde): Orcs, Goblins, Shadow of the Cursed (3 diminsional shadows), Demonscorn (Humans infested with demon souls), Zole (Dog people, kinda like Anubus), Malican, (Sort like Murlocs only human sized and without the curved back, face is more of a human, fish hybrid), Cala (Fish people with tails), and the Nox (alligator people). then there is the Federation: Humans, High Elves, Nelek (Eagle people), Noll (Tall humans, stronger), Malk (Tall Orcs with horns), Dwarves, Kin (Cala without the tail), and the Sar (Lizard people). those are the two warring factions. There is a neutral faction the Zow: Malaxe (Dragon people), Nase (Insect people), Nese (acsended humans, looks like Shadows of the cursed only made of light.) Zale (Werewolves.) The last faction is Mercenaries which is made up of both Federation and Synicate races. Both the Zow and the Mercenaries can ally themselves with a warring faction to gain access to BGs.
There is a mount for each race, each with different abilities (gliding, swiming, etc.) and two flying mounts. As well as two neutral mounts. There is 24 cities, (20 capitals, 2 ruined cities, and 2 neutral cities.) As well as a complex story line.
There is ranks for the PVP system (like the old WoW) and the highest rank gives you access to a special guild just for your class. There 11 classes (The WoW classes plus soldier (Hunter Warrior combo), healer (Priests serve a different purpose), and beserker, (A warrior but he is restricted to Maces and axes plus he has strentgh self-buffs.), all sorts of different weapon types.
Then there is the Drakan (A demon army bent on destroying everything on the planet in their search for a cystal called the Malanic) attacking capital cities once or twice a week. This is partly inspired by the Burning Legion but Their goal is not to wipe all life from the galaxy. They're just looking for the Malanic.
And my favorite. An instance raid that is an entire island. Then on that island is a citadel that makes up another instance. Of course this is the highest lvl instance with the best stuff.

That is the main features outlined. What do you think?

[nocandyforu]

anyone have any comments?

[larissa]

I'm making up (I'm only 14 and have no real hopes of really making it) a game, an MMORPG to be exact. I was wondering if anyone here would actually play it (and even like it) if I did make it. I have no title yet.

Well, it's hard to say. Currently your outline makes it look like a beefed up WoW, basically the same game, just with a lot of 'shinies' to attract people. Personally, I've played WoW and WC3 for the story more than options and gameplay. You give a bit of an idea of at least one main storyline with your demons, but give no details on these factions, why they've banded together, what their motivations are, and so on.

It has 4 main continants, 1 minor continant, 20 races, 4 factions. Which are Synacate (basicly the horde): Orcs, Goblins, Shadow of the Cursed (3 diminsional shadows), Demonscorn (Humans infested with demon souls), Zole (Dog people, kinda like Anubus), Malican, (Sort like Murlocs only human sized and without the curved back, face is more of a human, fish hybrid), Cala (Fish people with tails), and the Nox (alligator people).

Again, what are the motivations of these different races to band together? What are their cultural backgrounds? Two races of fish-people? If you're looking for animal/human hybrids, why not cats, birds, bears, etc.?

then there is the Federation: Humans, High Elves, Nelek (Eagle people), Noll (Tall humans, stronger), Malk (Tall Orcs with horns), Dwarves, Kin (Cala without the tail), and the Sar (Lizard people). those are the two warring factions.

Again, motivations, backgrounds? What makes Noll, Malk and Kin so different from their counterparts?

There is a neutral faction the Zow: Malaxe (Dragon people), Nase (Insect people), Nese (acsended humans, looks like Shadows of the cursed only made of light.) Zale (Werewolves.) The last faction is Mercenaries which is made up of both Federation and Synicate races. Both the Zow and the Mercenaries can ally themselves with a warring faction to gain access to BGs.

Even more, why are such disparate races as these allied in a faction?

So, to join in PvP, I have to choose a main faction? What if I don't want to? I'm locked out of PvP? What is the point of the Mercenary faction? Sounds like just a way for you to play a race from the different faction.

There is a mount for each race, each with different abilities (gliding, swiming, etc.) and two flying mounts. As well as two neutral mounts. There is 24 cities, (20 capitals, 2 ruined cities, and 2 neutral cities.) As well as a complex story line.

What are Neutral Mounts? Is there a bonus to so many cities? What function do they serve? And most of all, what is the storyline? I think part of the success of WoW is it's quest/storyline. Things develop ... you start out with small little quests, then as you gain experience, the quests become more and more involved and epic. It's not just a grind to kill things.

There is ranks for the PVP system (like the old WoW) and the highest rank gives you access to a special guild just for your class.

So the game is geared more for hardcore players with the PvP ranking? What do these special guilds offer you?

There 11 classes (The WoW classes plus soldier (Hunter Warrior combo), healer (Priests serve a different purpose), and beserker, (A warrior but he is restricted to Maces and axes plus he has strentgh self-buffs.), all sorts of different weapon types.

There are 9 WoW classes (Druid, Hunter, Mage, Paladin, Priest, Rogue, Shaman, Warlock, Warrior), so 12 classes? How do your new classes work? Is a solider a Warrior with a pet? How does a Healer differ from a Holy Priest? How does a Berserker differ from a Fury Warrior, except that they're more limited? Are your classes just carbon-copies of WoW, or do they have distinct differences? How do you develop the classes, are there talent or skill trees? Different ways to play the same base class?

Then there is the Drakan (A demon army bent on destroying everything on the planet in their search for a cystal called the Malanic) attacking capital cities once or twice a week. This is partly inspired by the Burning Legion but Their goal is not to wipe all life from the galaxy. They're just looking for the Malanic.

So if we just give them the Malanic, they'll go away?

While some may have found the attacks on cities leading up to the Burning Crusade immense fun, I for one had about 1 minute of fun with it. Then spent 5 tries trying to get back into the city so that I could get on with actually enjoying the game. I wouldn't appreciate constant attacks like this.

And my favorite. An instance raid that is an entire island. Then on that island is a citadel that makes up another instance. Of course this is the highest lvl instance with the best stuff.

That is the main features outlined. What do you think?

This really needs to be developed more for better responses. This really just sounds like what you want WoW to be, not a separate game with it's own style and story. You've got everything from WoW ... two main warring factions, classes and races, raids and instances, PvP with a ranking system, even a demon army bent of destroying all in their path.

I'm not trying to be harsh here, but if this is anything more than a pipe-dream to begin with, you'll find that copy-cat games just do not sell well. Sure, you may get an initial burst in sales from the 'ooh, more classes and races' factor, but without a solid backdrop and community to support it, the game would just fizzle.

You'll find that the majority of players want quality over quantity. Just giving them more things doesn't mean they'll enjoy the game any better.

~~~Larissa

[Stigg]

Umm...wow. I'd post to this, but larissa seemed to read my mind.

Beefed up WoW without a backbone to stand on. Develop it more, maybe even write a Game guide like the one that came from WoW and get back to us.

Nicely done larissa!

[amazing barrel of nachos]

Well, it's hard to say. Currently your outline makes it look like a beefed up WoW, basically the same game, just with a lot of 'shinies' to attract people. Personally, I've played WoW and WC3 for the story more than options and gameplay. You give a bit of an idea of at least one main storyline with your demons, but give no details on these factions, why they've banded together, what their motivations are, and so on.



Again, what are the motivations of these different races to band together? What are their cultural backgrounds? Two races of fish-people? If you're looking for animal/human hybrids, why not cats, birds, bears, etc.?



Again, motivations, backgrounds? What makes Noll, Malk and Kin so different from their counterparts?



Even more, why are such disparate races as these allied in a faction?

So, to join in PvP, I have to choose a main faction? What if I don't want to? I'm locked out of PvP? What is the point of the Mercenary faction? Sounds like just a way for you to play a race from the different faction.



What are Neutral Mounts? Is there a bonus to so many cities? What function do they serve? And most of all, what is the storyline? I think part of the success of WoW is it's quest/storyline. Things develop ... you start out with small little quests, then as you gain experience, the quests become more and more involved and epic. It's not just a grind to kill things.



So the game is geared more for hardcore players with the PvP ranking? What do these special guilds offer you?



There are 9 WoW classes (Druid, Hunter, Mage, Paladin, Priest, Rogue, Shaman, Warlock, Warrior), so 12 classes? How do your new classes work? Is a solider a Warrior with a pet? How does a Healer differ from a Holy Priest? How does a Berserker differ from a Fury Warrior, except that they're more limited? Are your classes just carbon-copies of WoW, or do they have distinct differences? How do you develop the classes, are there talent or skill trees? Different ways to play the same base class?



So if we just give them the Malanic, they'll go away?

While some may have found the attacks on cities leading up to the Burning Crusade immense fun, I for one had about 1 minute of fun with it. Then spent 5 tries trying to get back into the city so that I could get on with actually enjoying the game. I wouldn't appreciate constant attacks like this.



This really needs to be developed more for better responses. This really just sounds like what you want WoW to be, not a separate game with it's own style and story. You've got everything from WoW ... two main warring factions, classes and races, raids and instances, PvP with a ranking system, even a demon army bent of destroying all in their path.

I'm not trying to be harsh here, but if this is anything more than a pipe-dream to begin with, you'll find that copy-cat games just do not sell well. Sure, you may get an initial burst in sales from the 'ooh, more classes and races' factor, but without a solid backdrop and community to support it, the game would just fizzle.

You'll find that the majority of players want quality over quantity. Just giving them more things doesn't mean they'll enjoy the game any better.

~~~Larissa

c,mon cut him some slack sounds great. its people like you that annoy me you really tick me off so just be quiet!you too stigg!

[Stigg]

c,mon cut him some slack sounds great. its people like you that annoy me you really tick me off so just be quiet!you too stigg!

orly? I think larissa's post was very helpful...if he wanted some insight into his idea, larissa did well above what 99% of the rest of this forum would do. If I wanted to be a jerk, I would say, "This idea is like wow with more added to it. In fact, you even say 'This will be just like WoW'. I could see lawsuits coming this way now."

Sure it does sound like a great game, it needs to be developed a million times more than just listing out races and classes and there needs to be a reason that WoW'ers would stop playing their characters to head over to a new game.

nice trolling post though!:thumbsup:

[xxlebox]

(I'm only 14 and have no real hopes of really making it)

I've had ideas of making games before as well, and worked on those ideas for days and days, but in the end, the chance for it to work out (which it didn't for me) is really really small and if you have no hopes of making it, just quit the idea ;) ... unless ofcourse you want it to be made by someone else :)

[larissa]

Umm...wow. I'd post to this, but larissa seemed to read my mind.

Beefed up WoW without a backbone to stand on. Develop it more, maybe even write a Game guide like the one that came from WoW and get back to us.

Nicely done larissa!

Thanks for the thumbs up Stigg!

IM IN UR BRAINZ, SHARDING UR IDEAS! :laughing:

c,mon cut him some slack sounds great. its people like you that annoy me you really tick me off so just be quiet!you too stigg!

Hmm, can't tell if you meant to be funny and trolling, or if you're serious.

He wanted opinions, so I gave him mine. I'm not about to sugar-coat my comments for someone who's seriously looking for input. 'Negative' comments are still constructive, as they force you to work on weak point to improve the overall product.

They can take my comments in whatever way they wish, from 'Hmm, she has a point, I should make the game distinct in itself' to 'She's just a silly blonde, what does she know?' :grin:

I've had ideas of making games before as well, and worked on those ideas for days and days, but in the end, the chance for it to work out (which it didn't for me) is really really small and if you have no hopes of making it, just quit the idea ;) ... unless ofcourse you want it to be made by someone else :)

Well, we've all had dreams of doing something grand. And hey, he's only 14, still plenty early enough to get into computing and design. Who know, maybe he will make his grand epic game and make gajillions of dollars. Maybe I'll get a free account if I help develop the game now? :laughing:

~~~Larissa

[amazing barrel of nachos]

Hmm, can't tell if you meant to be funny and trolling, or if you're serious.

it was serious

[larissa]

it was serious

Okay, it's doubtful you really know me to be annoyed and ticked off by people like me, but I'll bite. What is it that annoys and ticks you off so much?

~~~Larissa

[amazing barrel of nachos]

Okay, it's doubtful you really know me to be annoyed and ticked off by people like me, but I'll bite. What is it that annoys and ticks you off so much?

~~~Larissa

erm..well i dont like negative comments and people pointing out all the bad things in life instead of the good

[larissa]

erm..well i dont like negative comments and people pointing out all the bad things in life instead of the good

Well, there's a difference in types of negative comments. You can have good 'negative' feedback, that helps you define and make your ideas better, which I hope I managed with my initial comments. Then there are bad comments, like 'Your idea sucks, give up now' ... which doesn't help, and makes the person feel bad.

Basically, what the idea needs is more refinement and explanation. He's got building blocks, but hasn't given us an idea of what he's building. I wanted to provide some feedback, rather than just some random comment that didn't help at all.

I suppose it's the editor in me as well, I tend to look for mistakes, rather than what is right. But really, my desire is to make things better than what they already are. It's just that negative criticism is always seen as ... well, negative, rather than actually being a positive force. :grin:

~~~Larissa

p.s. Totally off topic, but just made post 200! I'll catch up to kcma any day now! :laughing:

[amazing barrel of nachos]

just made post 200! I'll catch up to kcma any day now! :laughing:

errrr...i dont think so

[Stigg]

errrr...i dont think so

That was a negative comment. Live by your own words, darling.

[Tanitha]

erm..well i dont like negative comments and people pointing out all the bad things in life instead of the good

Three words. Constructive criticism. :wink:

[xxlebox]

That we're 2 ;) but I guess you knew it

[Tanitha]

That we're 2 ;) but I guess you knew it

Rats! I had laid a word-count trap for that barrel of Nachos and along stumbles xxlebox and sets it off. Hmmm. Foiled.

[xxlebox]

Rats! I had laid a word-count trap for that barrel of Nachos and along stumbles xxlebox and sets it off. Hmmm. Foiled.

Aaah! My leg!!! There's a trap on ma leg! xD

[nocandyforu]

Well, it's hard to say. Currently your outline makes it look like a beefed up WoW, basically the same game, just with a lot of 'shinies' to attract people. Personally, I've played WoW and WC3 for the story more than options and gameplay. You give a bit of an idea of at least one main storyline with your demons, but give no details on these factions, why they've banded together, what their motivations are, and so on.



Again, what are the motivations of these different races to band together? What are their cultural backgrounds? Two races of fish-people? If you're looking for animal/human hybrids, why not cats, birds, bears, etc.?



Again, motivations, backgrounds? What makes Noll, Malk and Kin so different from their counterparts?



Even more, why are such disparate races as these allied in a faction?

So, to join in PvP, I have to choose a main faction? What if I don't want to? I'm locked out of PvP? What is the point of the Mercenary faction? Sounds like just a way for you to play a race from the different faction.



What are Neutral Mounts? Is there a bonus to so many cities? What function do they serve? And most of all, what is the storyline? I think part of the success of WoW is it's quest/storyline. Things develop ... you start out with small little quests, then as you gain experience, the quests become more and more involved and epic. It's not just a grind to kill things.



So the game is geared more for hardcore players with the PvP ranking? What do these special guilds offer you?



There are 9 WoW classes (Druid, Hunter, Mage, Paladin, Priest, Rogue, Shaman, Warlock, Warrior), so 12 classes? How do your new classes work? Is a solider a Warrior with a pet? How does a Healer differ from a Holy Priest? How does a Berserker differ from a Fury Warrior, except that they're more limited? Are your classes just carbon-copies of WoW, or do they have distinct differences? How do you develop the classes, are there talent or skill trees? Different ways to play the same base class?



So if we just give them the Malanic, they'll go away?

While some may have found the attacks on cities leading up to the Burning Crusade immense fun, I for one had about 1 minute of fun with it. Then spent 5 tries trying to get back into the city so that I could get on with actually enjoying the game. I wouldn't appreciate constant attacks like this.



This really needs to be developed more for better responses. This really just sounds like what you want WoW to be, not a separate game with it's own style and story. You've got everything from WoW ... two main warring factions, classes and races, raids and instances, PvP with a ranking system, even a demon army bent of destroying all in their path.

I'm not trying to be harsh here, but if this is anything more than a pipe-dream to begin with, you'll find that copy-cat games just do not sell well. Sure, you may get an initial burst in sales from the 'ooh, more classes and races' factor, but without a solid backdrop and community to support it, the game would just fizzle.

You'll find that the majority of players want quality over quantity. Just giving them more things doesn't mean they'll enjoy the game any better.

~~~Larissa
Thank you very much. That is really, really, helpful. As for a storyline, it's pretty long, would you like to hear the outline or the full version. Would you like me to include minor events?
Edit; At some parts of your post I almost cried but that's nothing to worry about because I've been emotionally sensitive for as long as I could remember. Like I said, the post was helpful.

[larissa]

Thank you very much. That is really, really, helpful. As for a storyline, it's pretty long, would you like to hear the outline or the full version. Would you like me to include minor events?
Edit; At some parts of your post I almost cried but that's nothing to worry about because I've been emotionally sensitive for as long as I could remember. Like I said, the post was helpful.

I would say a general synopsis would be better for the forums, rather than a small book. Something like the few paragraphs of history in the game manuals. Giving a feel to the game will generate a lot more interest in it, and then the game mechanics can catch hold of those already snagged by your idea.

And I do know how you feel ... I'm terrible with taking criticism for my own works and writing. It can be very hard to take criticism of something that you've put a lot of time in to, and obvious care enough about to develop in such detail. It's something I still need to deal with ... but one thing we all need to know how to develop, if we want to create something, is a thick skin. Everyone has their own opinion on things, and it can be hard to take a negative comment on something you personally create. But really, a lot of criticism isn't meant to be a personal attack, though it can certainly feel that way. The comments I made were made with the intention to clarify details, and to learn more information, which I hope would then lead to a better overall game for everybody.

Just know that us editors have feelings too ... no, honest, we really do! :grin:

~~~Larissa

p.s. So ... do I get a free account when the game hits the shelves? :laughing:

[nocandyforu]

I guess I might just make you a GM if it does come out ;)
edit: I'll post a outline tomorrow.

[nocandyforu]

sorry for the double post, but here it is, a general Outline of the Story.This is in chronological order. (logically) >.<
The universe started as a void filled with positive and negitive energy. Then the positive energy from a natural phenomenon, forms together to create a large crystal called the Malanic. Then the Malanic, no longer wanted an empty void, creates the Titans (Super gods basicly). Soon the Titans create the Gods as basicly helpers. Soon enough they create the Universe. But then Demons came, by-products fof the negitive and positive energy forming the Universe. (The excess negitive energy formed into the demons.) But one titan, named Drakonoss, was not pure like the other titans.
When he started getting formed, the positive energy be used to create them was disappearing to the point where the negitive energy started forming into Drakonoss. Drokon, Drakonoss' brother isn't pure, but he's not evil either. A group of seven Titans are expelled from the Titan order and become know as the Fallen or Fallen Ones, who then retaliate by leading the Demon armies against the Titans. The Humans and a race of vampires named the Zal are born on the planet Malana (mal-ann-a). Six of the Fallen are killed in The Battle of Malana and one of them, Kalsoss (Kal-so-oss), the leader of the Fallen, is sealed away by Drakonoss. After two million years (The humans and Zal long after the war started) later, the titan-Demon War ends, the titans seals every demon in the universe on a huge planet named, Cull. Cull is so large that its gravitational mass causes the entire Universe to revolve around it, it's the only planet large enough to contain all the Demons. The Malanac (Mal-an-ac) Empire is formed. The Malanac Empire is the human empire in the northern continant of Mascanoth (Mass-can-oth). The Zal and the Humans go into an all out war. (Both the humans and the Zal have guns, bombs, and are basicly as advanced as us.) Drakonoss, in his greed steals the Malanic, and the Titans without a source of life, go into stasis to preserve their life. Some citizens of the Malanac Empire split off and become essencally the amish, calling themselves the Nese (That's how they asended before everyone else.
They have thousands of years of a head start from everyone else). After an all out biological attack on each other. The Zal are completly wiped out and the Malanac Empire collapses. The surviving humans of the Malanac Empire seperate, some joining the Nese, others sail South East to the continant of Kalra, becoming the Humans of Valar (the Federation's humans) and the rest sailing south to the continant Moran Zanorca, (More-an)(Zan-or-ca) becoming the Humans of Calmanar (Cal-man-are). The Humans of Calmanar and Valar both forget their past, the arts of gun smithing, and basicly are thrown back technologically, to the Neolithic age. Drakonoss mean while, as absorbed enough power to be able to live forever without the Malanic and is preparing to destroy the it, thus killing all the other titans, when a group of 10 gods find out about the deception and with no time to tell the others attack Drakonoss. After a short battle they were able to teleport the Malanic across the Universe to a medium sized, unsuspecting planet of Malana. Drakonoss kills the gods and searches for the Malanic, but the Malanic, still not in it's place in the Halls of the Titans, still can not get enough of its power to the Titans to revive them. A Human of Valar named Casel finds the Malanic and ever since it's been floating obove the Valaar's (Humans of Valar's capital) throne. The Gods create even more life (the rest of the races) in desperation to help fight against Drakonoss. Drokon wakes up from stasis sensing a problem. Drakonoss creates a new realm named Obilivion. He is challenaged by Drokon. The battle lasts for an entire year before Drakonoss defeats his brother and turns his brother into a mere god, as well as disabling any power to travel throughout the Universe and Realms, and finishes the job by throwing Drokon on Malana.
Drakonoss breaks Cull's seal and summons all demons to him, naming his new army, the Drakan. A race of Demons named the Zalin rebels. The rebellion is quickly put down, Drakonoss, sensing that his army was too big, splits it into two groups, the Drakan, and the Black Legion, lead by his second-in-command and unquestionally loyal servant, Geolost (Gee-ole-ost), who is part of the strongest race of demons, the Coross (Core-oss). The first war, consisting of Goblins, orcs, humans, and Dwarves, starts. The Arcan (A race who has reached a space-traveling age) Spore (A inteligent plant.) wars start. Contruction of the Demon Gate on Cull starts. The second war starts consisting of High Elves, Dwarves, Humans, Noll, Kin, Orcs, goblins, and Nox starts. Despite being outnumbered race wise, the Synicate conquers the Federation. Drokonoss goes to Malana, after finding out the location of the Malanic, as the god Drakon, and creates a Cult. Soon the contruction of the Demon Gate on Malana is started.
The third war, or the Federation's break from the Synicate starts, by the end the war the races consisted of Humans, High Elves, Noll, Dwarves, Kin, Orcs, Goblins, Nox, Sar, Nelek, Nole, and the Malican. TheFederation becomes independent and renames itself to the New Federation. The Fourth War starts consisting of all the Federation races, the and all the Synicate Races with the execption of the Demonscorn and Shadow of the Cursed. The Federation conquers the Synicate. The first Demon Gate is finished. The new Warlock kingdom of the Humans of Mande, has an accident and is turned into the Demonscorn, and a few into the Shadow of the Cursed.
The fifth war starts with a full house of races. The Orcs at the end of the war, decide the dragons are a nusance and thus starts the Great Dragon Purge. which wipes of 58% of the Dragon population. The Sixith War starts, and the second Demon Gate is finished. Geolost and Drakan opens the Demon Gates and all the demonic energy stuffed up in Cull pours into Malana. The sixth war ends and the Synicate and Federation join forces to close the gate. A Orc and Human Paladin, who closed the gate, make a neutral guild of paladins called Knights of the Silver Hand. The Arcana and Spores, manipulated by Drakonoss, arrives at Malana. This gives birth to the Ravengers.
The seventh war begins resulting in the Exile and imprisonment of the human king. the gate to Obilivion is opened on a remote island in the middle of the ocean and the Drakan and Black Legion set up their bases. Drakonoss goes to the Sacred Realm, A Realm that Dragon go to during their short hibernation, it's short of like the Emerald Dream execpt that no one is allowed in execpt for Dragons and those with extra special permission from the Dragons. Anyway, Drakonoss goes to the Sacred Realm, and his demonic energy starts to corrupt it. The Titans (This is a spirit realm, thus the Titans have power here still,) split the Scared Realm, both halfs regrow to their formersize, however, one becomes the Sacred Realm, while the other becomes The Twisted Realm, a realm so demonic it can turn a god into a mindless Demon.
The Titans create a new Realm called the Realm of the Ancients as bait for Drakonoss, who takes the bait, and brings an army of his Coross starts the Battle of the Realm of the Ancients. Three titans are killed and too avoid casualties the Titans pull back to the Realm of the titans. Drakonoss, thinking he was victorous was soon surprised at the appearance of the Malanic, was banished by it from all Realms execpt Obilivion and the Twisted Realm. Though the Malanic is just a cystal in the physical world, it is more powerful than anything even a Titan could comprehend in the spirit Realms. Soon the Black Legion and the Drakan start its war against the races of Malana, and yet, the seventh war does not end....... *game starts here*

That's the story as simply as I can put it, I hope you read through it all and enjoyed it. If you have any more questions such as racial abilities, mounts, minor events, info of each race etc. ask me. Thank you for being so patient.

[Stigg]

Alrighty then.

You PM'ed me asking me to look this over, and so I did.

First off, think of this as constructive criticism. There are positives and negatives to your story, and (in all honesty) I would love to read more of this....assuming you take both my positive and negative comments to heart.

First off...
I would not have read this if you did not specifically PM me and ask me to do so. This is one huge paragraph with no breaks. There are 7 wars, a nice little introduction, and a conclusion. Break them up! I don't know how good you are at forum postings or writing in general, but one way to make this MUCH more appealing to a reader would be to do something like:

The Beginning
blah blah blah

First War
blah blah blah

etc. This way, a person can clearly draw the line where new event are occurring. While reading through it was very confusing (and in all honesty, hurt my eyes) attempting to find the next appropriate line. And especially with fantasy stories where names are so strange and places have even strager names, I could have very well missed a line and not noticed.


Secondly - Spell check is your friend. There are a large number of incorrectly spelled words in your story line. It is a good story, take some pride in it and review it before posting. You even misspelled some of your characters names throughout it, and (once again) being a fantasy novel, I wasn't sure if it was a new character or you did, in fact, spell his name wrong.


Tertiary - Things just appear throughout. I understand this is an outline of your story, but i was strange to just see "And then the Night elves, humans, orcs, plant-things, etc. had a war." Well, elaborate! Where did the Elves come from? Why are they here? How did the humans get to be so advanced when it seemed like everybody else was using spears? Why did they resort back to "Neanderthal" ways? Why do they hate the other races? How does a civilization that has "space age" intelligence not just obliterate all the other races? How hard can it be to kill a plant with an atomic bomb?

You left a lot of room for additional work regarding pasts etc. You ask us to PM you for racial abilities, mounts, etc. Although it is a great idea to look that far ahead, I think you really need to get this story line down-pat before you look deeper into those specific of details. you might end of giving the elves a horse mount, but then later say something like "The only realm with horses is the human realm, and there are no elves there." Take for example Warcraft. It has been around for...12 years? Something like that. Blizzard is still getting messages like "In warcraft 1 expansion 2, in world 3 the dwarf on the right side of the screen said 'dwarves don't wear green rings' and that directly contradicts the dwarf in teldrassil on the tower with the green thing around his finger!" Ok, that is crazy, but still....just something to consider.

Now for the positives

I really DID enjoy your story. I had to copy and paste it into a word document, add some spacings, and run a spell-checker, but I really think you have a solid story. It starts out VERY similar to the Greek gods. Basically change the name of that stone to "Erebus", positive energy to "day" and negative energy to "night" and its almost a copy and paste. Which is good. Starting people with a well-known story line and then branching out in your own unique way is a good thing. It gives people common ground.

The story did twist back on itself. Titans losing the power of the stone and being forced to hibernate to preserve their life force is a really cool way to relate it all back. Then, the lead guy, who had gained enough power to survive again, wanted to destroy it to kill off anybody who was a threat to him, seemed like a wonderful idea. Based out of history, this is quite a reasonable thing to do for a power-hungry guy. Good work on that.

Characters ruling races that seem to compliment each other(i.e. the demons) - another great thing to have.

Many races CAN be a good thing, as long as you can keep them organized. I can see your attempts at this throughout the story, but you should really take a few sheets of paper, and lay out what each race is doing at each time period. Like I said before, a 20th century civilization that goes back to Neanderthal times, just doesn't seem very likely without something VERY noteworthy (and should be put in your story) happening.

The ending. Made it feel like every war game I have ever played. Kinda like:
Oh my god! They are coming in from the left! And the right! Alas! Here comes our back-up! LETS GO!!!!


Great story - but there still is a lot of room for improvement!


-------------------------------------------------------------------------
On a personal side note: I, too, have attempted to make games. Back when I was younger, there weren't any computer games with more than 2d graphics. I played dice games a ton. I spent months developing my own game. About every two weeks, during our almost daily D&D'ing sessions, I would whip out my game (character sheets, players manual, maps, boards, armor/item manuals, class manuals, etc) and would have a go at it with some of my closest friends. The first session, they ripped me a new one. Everything was wrong, things didn't make sense, we spent more time arguing over what were effectively buffs (like wow) than actually playing. 2 weeks later, I had worked that quirk out, but the storyline didn't make sense. 2 weeks later, that part of the story-line made sense, but that contradicted something else.

This happened for at least 4 months before the game was "acceptable" to play. It still sucked, but we could PLAY it without errors. This piqued the interest of my friends, and together we ended up creating our own game. Complete class lay-outs, complete worlds, completely new items, etc.

We only quit playing when we found out about a whole new faction of people. Those pesky "girls" came in and tore down our castles, destroyed our dungeons, and obliterated our realm. But somewhere in the attic of my parents house is a box filled with 100's of pages of NPC's, items, maps, character sheets, and the game board of Terindie

In latin "Ter in die" means three times a day. Basically, we finally named the game that because that is how often we played. We just took the spaces out to make it sound cooler.:thumbsup:

[xxlebox]

I've read it, and I gotta say it's a nice story, did make me think alot about WoW though, but I guess that's not so bad.
And I agree with the Stigg. You might want to make it some more detailed ;)

[Tanitha]

Nocandyforu, that was an interesting read. I'm not really as qualified as Stigg or Larissa to comment - but, I do have an almost encyclopedic knowledge of links :grin:

This one (http://www.worldofwarcraft.com/info/story/chapter1.html) details the beginning of World of Warcraft. Read through that and get a feel for how it is presented. That makes for fairly compelling reading and is a brilliant backstory to the game. Especially because you can cross reference names on maps and so on.

So yes, I'm also in the chorus of people wanting to read more and more detailed bits of the world you are creating!

[Stigg]

but, I do have an almost encyclopedic knowledge of links

You read my mind. How DO you do it?

[Tanitha]

I email myself links and store them on my IMAP server. It's sneaky and evil, I know. But it makes me seem smrt. And I like that.

[Stigg]

smrt

you crack me up!

[farafel]

I know that maby I will be off the main topic right now... But anyway

You are 14 ok try to start playing RPG systems that are off the main line... I am from Poland and we have a good system called Crystals of Time (Krysztaly Czasu) dunno maby this will help you a little bit with the story... Try to go and seek the dark side nothing pretty that is what nobody did before no good just evil like in that book...

[nocandyforu]

Alrighty then.

You PM'ed me asking me to look this over, and so I did.

First off, think of this as constructive criticism. There are positives and negatives to your story, and (in all honesty) I would love to read more of this....assuming you take both my positive and negative comments to heart.

First off...
I would not have read this if you did not specifically PM me and ask me to do so. This is one huge paragraph with no breaks. There are 7 wars, a nice little introduction, and a conclusion. Break them up! I don't know how good you are at forum postings or writing in general, but one way to make this MUCH more appealing to a reader would be to do something like:

The Beginning
blah blah blah

First War
blah blah blah

etc. This way, a person can clearly draw the line where new event are occurring. While reading through it was very confusing (and in all honesty, hurt my eyes) attempting to find the next appropriate line. And especially with fantasy stories where names are so strange and places have even strager names, I could have very well missed a line and not noticed.


Secondly - Spell check is your friend. There are a large number of incorrectly spelled words in your story line. It is a good story, take some pride in it and review it before posting. You even misspelled some of your characters names throughout it, and (once again) being a fantasy novel, I wasn't sure if it was a new character or you did, in fact, spell his name wrong.


Tertiary - Things just appear throughout. I understand this is an outline of your story, but i was strange to just see "And then the Night elves, humans, orcs, plant-things, etc. had a war." Well, elaborate! Where did the Elves come from? Why are they here? How did the humans get to be so advanced when it seemed like everybody else was using spears? Why did they resort back to "Neanderthal" ways? Why do they hate the other races? How does a civilization that has "space age" intelligence not just obliterate all the other races? How hard can it be to kill a plant with an atomic bomb?

You left a lot of room for additional work regarding pasts etc. You ask us to PM you for racial abilities, mounts, etc. Although it is a great idea to look that far ahead, I think you really need to get this story line down-pat before you look deeper into those specific of details. you might end of giving the elves a horse mount, but then later say something like "The only realm with horses is the human realm, and there are no elves there." Take for example Warcraft. It has been around for...12 years? Something like that. Blizzard is still getting messages like "In warcraft 1 expansion 2, in world 3 the dwarf on the right side of the screen said 'dwarves don't wear green rings' and that directly contradicts the dwarf in teldrassil on the tower with the green thing around his finger!" Ok, that is crazy, but still....just something to consider.

Now for the positives

I really DID enjoy your story. I had to copy and paste it into a word document, add some spacings, and run a spell-checker, but I really think you have a solid story. It starts out VERY similar to the Greek gods. Basically change the name of that stone to "Erebus", positive energy to "day" and negative energy to "night" and its almost a copy and paste. Which is good. Starting people with a well-known story line and then branching out in your own unique way is a good thing. It gives people common ground.

The story did twist back on itself. Titans losing the power of the stone and being forced to hibernate to preserve their life force is a really cool way to relate it all back. Then, the lead guy, who had gained enough power to survive again, wanted to destroy it to kill off anybody who was a threat to him, seemed like a wonderful idea. Based out of history, this is quite a reasonable thing to do for a power-hungry guy. Good work on that.

Characters ruling races that seem to compliment each other(i.e. the demons) - another great thing to have.

Many races CAN be a good thing, as long as you can keep them organized. I can see your attempts at this throughout the story, but you should really take a few sheets of paper, and lay out what each race is doing at each time period. Like I said before, a 20th century civilization that goes back to Neanderthal times, just doesn't seem very likely without something VERY noteworthy (and should be put in your story) happening.

The ending. Made it feel like every war game I have ever played. Kinda like:
Oh my god! They are coming in from the left! And the right! Alas! Here comes our back-up! LETS GO!!!!


Great story - but there still is a lot of room for improvement!


-------------------------------------------------------------------------
On a personal side note: I, too, have attempted to make games. Back when I was younger, there weren't any computer games with more than 2d graphics. I played dice games a ton. I spent months developing my own game. About every two weeks, during our almost daily D&D'ing sessions, I would whip out my game (character sheets, players manual, maps, boards, armor/item manuals, class manuals, etc) and would have a go at it with some of my closest friends. The first session, they ripped me a new one. Everything was wrong, things didn't make sense, we spent more time arguing over what were effectively buffs (like wow) than actually playing. 2 weeks later, I had worked that quirk out, but the storyline didn't make sense. 2 weeks later, that part of the story-line made sense, but that contradicted something else.

This happened for at least 4 months before the game was "acceptable" to play. It still sucked, but we could PLAY it without errors. This piqued the interest of my friends, and together we ended up creating our own game. Complete class lay-outs, complete worlds, completely new items, etc.

We only quit playing when we found out about a whole new faction of people. Those pesky "girls" came in and tore down our castles, destroyed our dungeons, and obliterated our realm. But somewhere in the attic of my parents house is a box filled with 100's of pages of NPC's, items, maps, character sheets, and the game board of Terindie

In latin "Ter in die" means three times a day. Basically, we finally named the game that because that is how often we played. We just took the spaces out to make it sound cooler.:thumbsup:

Thanks! I tried to make i more paragraph like, but when I hit tab half that sentence got overwritten. :/ thanks for the info. As for the space age species, they got caught up in a battle (it was only one ship) with the spores and had to eject as their ship exploded, they weren't able to bring any weapons with them (no time) and so they used their poison fangs on the species near by to escape. However, when they bit a human, it didn't kill them like it normally does, instead it turns the humans into a mindless killers called that ravengers. The spores, reproduce by releasing spores on to planets, possesing humanoid creatures, then goes through a long period of maturing, planting, then growth. The spores, wanting to go after the other species, released it's spores onto the planet. Now the Arcon are left with only what they can find as weapons, and the spores, whatever their host has and whatever they've found afterwards.
edit: As for Tanitha's link, I already knew a little of that but the majority was new to me and I found it pretty cool in interesting. (The part I already new was Sager- whateber :p betrayal.)

[nocandyforu]

Once again, sorry for the double post, (it wont let me edit my above post :cry: ) Okay, now for a more detailed story line, since that seems to be in popular demand. (also, I will have ** before and after new items.)

The universe started as a void filled with positive and negitive energy. Then the positive energy from a natural phenomenon, forms together to create a large crystal called the Malanic. Then the Malanic, no longer wanted an empty void, creates the Titans (Super gods basicly). Soon the Titans create the Gods as basicly helpers. Soon enough they create the Universe. But then Demons came, by-products fof the negitive and positive energy forming the Universe. (The excess negitive energy formed into the demons.) But one Titan, named Drakonoss, was not pure like the other Titans.

When he started getting formed, the positive energy be used to create them was disappearing to the point where the negitive energy started forming into Drakonoss. Drokon, Drakonoss' brother isn't pure, but he's not evil either.

Soon, A group of seven Titans are expelled from the Titan order and become know as the Fallen or Fallen Ones, who then retaliate by leading the Demon armies against the Titans. The Humans and a race of vampires named the Zal are born on the planet Malana (mal-ann-a). Six of the Fallen are killed in The Battle of Malana and one of them, Kalsoss (Kal-so-oss), the leader of the Fallen, is sealed away by Drakonoss. After two million years (The humans and Zal came long after the war started) later, the Titan-Demon War ends, the Titans seals every demon in the universe on a huge planet named, Cull. Cull is so large that its gravitational mass causes the entire Universe to revolve around it, it's the only planet large enough to contain all the Demons.


The Malanac (Mal-an-ac) Empire is formed. The Malanac Empire is the humanempire in the northern continant of Mascanoth (Mass-can-oth). The Zal and the Humans go into an all out war. (Both the humans and the Zal have guns,bombs, and are basicly as advanced as us. With the exception of a bomb known as The Titan Bomb, which is twice as powerful as an H-bomb. It was never used.) Drakonoss, in his greed steals the Malanic, and the Titans without a source of life, go into stasis to preserve their life. Some citizens of the Malanac Empire split off and become essencally the amish, calling themselves the Nese (That's how they asended before everyone else. They have thousands of years of a head start from everyone else). After an all out biological attack on each other. The Zal are completly wiped out and the Malanac Empire collapses. The surviving humans of the Malanac Empire seperate, some joining the Nese, others sail south east to the continant of Kalra, becoming the Humans of Valar (the Federation's humans) and the rest sailing south to the continant Moran Zanorca, (More-an)(Zan-or-ca) becoming the Humans of Calmanar (Cal-man-are). The Humans of Calmanar and Valar both forget their past, the arts of gun smithing, and basicly are thrown back technologically, to the Neolithic age, **due to their wanting to forget their past, and thus abandeon technolegy execpt for those they NEED to survive. The Nese know their past but their reasons they keep to themselves. The only reminant of the Malanic Empire remaining (besides ruins) is Malanii, their language, the humans of Valar were surprised when they found the Humans of Calmanar and the Nese speaking their langauge. the Calmanar were also surprised and the Nese, they ACTED surprised.**


Drakonoss meanwhile, as absorbed enough power to be able to live forever without the Malanic and is preparing to destroy the it, thus killing all the other titans, when a group of ten gods find out about the deception and with no time to tell the others, attack Drakonoss. After a short battle they were able to teleport the Malanic across the Universe to a medium sized, unsuspecting planet of Malana. Drakonoss kills the gods and searches for the Malanic, but the Malanic, still not in it's place in the Halls of the Titans, still cannot get enough of its power to the Titans to revive them. A Human of Valar named Casel finds the Malanic and ever since it's been floating above the Valaar's (Humans of Valar's capital) throne. The Gods create even more life (the rest of the races) in desperation to help fight against Drakonoss.

**However, a group of twenty Gods felt this wasn't enough and fused together. Gods could fuse together but never on the scale of twenty. They became as powerful as a minor Titan. After a long battle Drakonoss killed his enemy, but fell soon afterwards, and soon wakes up years later.**

Drokon wakes up from stasis sensing a problem. Drakonoss creates a new realm named Obilivion. He is challenaged by Drokon. The battle lasts for an entire year before Drakonoss defeats his brother and turns his brother into a mere god, as well as disabling any power to travel throughout the Universe and Realms, and finishes the job by throwing Drokon on Malana.

Drakonoss breaks Cull's seal and summons all demons to him, naming his new army, the Drakan. A race of Demons named the Zalin **(The Zalin, I pictured as looking like Illidan, minus the horns, and the eyes are blank red.)** rebels.The rebellion is quickly put down, and Drakonoss, sensing that his army was too big, splits it into two groups, the Drakan, and the Black Legion, lead by his second-in-command and unquestionally loyal servant, Geolost (Gee-ole-ost), who is part of the strongest race of demons, the Coross (Core-oss). (The Coross are almost as powerful as a God, some, but few are like a half Titan.) The first war, consisting of Goblins, orcs, humans, and Dwarves, starts, over a dispute of land between the Dwarves and the Orcs.

The Arcan (A race who has reached a space-traveling age) Spore (A inteligent plant.) wars start. Contruction of the Demon Gate on Cull starts. The second war, consisting of High Elves, Dwarves, Humans, Noll, Kin, Orcs, goblins, and Nox starts. Despite being outnumbered race wise, the Synicate conquers the Federation. Drokonoss goes to Malana, after finding out the location of the Malanic, as the god Drakon, and creates a Cult. Soon the contruction of the Demon Gate on Malana is started.

The third war, or the Federation's break from the Synicate starts, by the end the war the races consisted of Humans, High Elves, Noll, Dwarves, Kin, Orcs, Goblins, Nox, Sar, Nelek, Nole, and the Malican. The Federation becomes independent and renames itself to the New Federation, **The war was brought to an end by the Hallgar (Orc's capital) Massacure, where thousands of Sar Zeppelins dropped bombs onto the city until it was nothing but ruins.

Sar first created their explosives when a scientist looking to create a perfect health potion, comes across a mixture that detonates when hitting a solid object with force.** The Fourth War starts consisting of all the Federation races, and all the Synicate Races with the exception of the Demonscorn and Shadow of the Cursed. The Federation conquers the Synicate. The first Demon Gate is finished. The new Warlock kingdom of the Humans of Mande, has an accident and is turned into the Demonscorn, and a few into the Shadow of the Cursed.

The fifth war starts with a full house of races. The Orcs at the end of the war, decide the dragons are a nuisance and thus starts the Great Dragon Purge. which wipes of 58% of the Dragon population. ** The Malaxe start aDragon repopulation program under the city dedicated to repopulating Dragons.** The Sixith War starts, and the second Demon Gate is finished.

Geolost and Drakan opens the Demon Gates and all the demonic energy stuffed up in Cull, which pours into Malana. The sixth war ends and the Synicate and Federation join forces to close the gate. A Orc and Human Paladin, who closed the gate, make a neutral guild of paladins called Knights of the Silver Hand. The Arcana and Spores, manipulated by Drakonoss, arrives at Malana. **The spore ship destroys the Arcana who escape through an escape pod which comes down on the planet. They were not able to bring weapons with them. The Spore ship releases it's spores (the ship is a huge plant) onto the plant and dies.** This gives birth to the Ravengers, **because the Arcana's poison normally kills species, but in humans, it turns them into uninteligent mindless killers.**

The seventh war begins resulting in the Exile and imprisonment of the humanking. The gate to Obilivion is opened on a remote island in the middle of the ocean and the Drakan and Black Legion set up their bases. Drakonoss goes tothe Sacred Realm, A Realm that Dragon go to during their short hibernation, it's short of like the Emerald Dream execpt that no one is allowed in except for Dragons and those with extra special permission from the Dragons.

Anyway, Drakonoss goes to the Sacred Realm, and his demonic energy starts to corrupt it. The Titans (This is a spirit realm, thus the Titans have power here still,) split the Scared Realm, both halfs regrow to their former size, however, one becomes the Sacred Realm, while the other becomes The Twisted Realm, a realm so demonic it can turn a god into a mindless Demon.

The Titans create a new Realm called the Realm of the Ancients as bait for Drakonoss, who takes the bait, and brings an army of his Coross starts the Battle of the Realm of the Ancients. **A God named Salcor wanders into the Twisted Realm and is corrupted, he turns into the first Con-loss or half-Titan** Three titans are killed and too avoid casualties the Titans pull back to the Realm of the titans. Drakonoss, thinking he was victorous was soon surprised at the appearance of the Malanic, was banished by it from all Realms execpt Obilivion and the Twisted Realm. Though the Malanic is just a cystal in the physical world, it is more powerful than anything even a Titan could comprehend in the spirit Realms. Soon the Black Legion and the Drakan start its war against the races of Malana, and yet, the seventh war does not end....... *game starts here*

That is all I have now because the bell rang but I'll have more when I get home

[xxlebox]

Neat story, one thing I really would change is your realm 'Oblivion' and the gates to it, though. It's way to much like "The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion" game.
Although it's still a bit chaotic, it's starting to make sense. :)

[nocandyforu]

I know I got it as a temporary name from Elder Scrolls, until I could come up with a better one, no luck so far though :(

[xxlebox]

How about calling it Tartarus? If I remember well, it was the place where (according to the bible) all fallen angels and so on, were exiled to. Some kind of place between life and death, or something.

[nocandyforu]

hmmmmmmm. I believe that's the Greek Hell, but still not a bad idea, at least for a more orginial temporary name

[xxlebox]

hmmmmmmm. I believe that's the Greek Hell, but still not a bad idea, at least for a more orginial temporary name

Might be why it's only mentioned once, and in the greek part of the bible.

[HR_Hellfire]

Only comment is personal opinion, feel free to stop reading.

Fantasy genre is overdone. It's been in the oven too long. EQ made it sucessful, Lineage made it populated, Runescape made it cheap and Blizzard made it awesome. It needs to be put to rest. There are other ideas out there, stop whoring Tolkien's work. This may sound harsh, but have an inventive idea. Sit down in a quiet room and think: what hasn't been done? Come up with something good and then produce it or at least produce some basic groundwork.

Thats just me though.
~HR_HELLFIRE

[xxlebox]

Only comment is personal opinion, feel free to stop reading.

Fantasy genre is overdone. It's been in the oven too long. EQ made it sucessful, Lineage made it populated, Runescape made it cheap and Blizzard made it awesome. It needs to be put to rest. There are other ideas out there, stop whoring Tolkien's work. This may sound harsh, but have an inventive idea. Sit down in a quiet room and think: what hasn't been done? Come up with something good and then produce it or at least produce some basic groundwork.

Thats just me though.
~HR_HELLFIRE

Gotta say that you're right. Since orcs were first used, and they have been used in almost EVERY fantasy game there is, as so with elves. But the problem is, you can't make up any specific 'race' anymore, which hasn't already been taken. IF you really want something that hasn't been done, let people create their own races in a game. But since that would be so big, no producer ever made that so far, as far as I know.

[nocandyforu]

Gotta say that you're right. Since orcs were first used, and they have been used in almost EVERY fantasy game there is, as so with elves. But the problem is, you can't make up any specific 'race' anymore, which hasn't already been taken. IF you really want something that hasn't been done, let people create their own races in a game. But since that would be so big, no producer ever made that so far, as far as I know.

I know Orcs, Elves, Goblins, and humans are a bit overused, but the rest I tried to make as orginal as possible (though in today's modern world that is hard.) As stated, this is just some ideas I think would be cool and it's something to do during Spanish class. :tongue:

[Tanitha]

nocandyforu, have you ever played a pen and paper RPG? I'm half thinking the world design, storywork and setup that goes into one of those might provide a fairly good background for you developing your world and backstory to this.

The additional benefit is that you have players play-testing the world, the characters and the races. You also have to actively think about how they work together, what motivates and what feels there are to the game. I know that I go through a lot of that type of thing when setting up a pen and paper campaign.

The D20 license is open - so you can download it from Wizards of the Coast if you were keen on starting something like that.

[kcma]

or make your own game from NWN :p