The Shade

[Nitesky]

The Shade**********
(THIS IS A SOLID STORY)
Chapter One: The Meet

It all started when I -Bolvar- was walking along the street of stormwind. When I was trying to get to Pig & Whistle Tavern someone claimed that I pummeled them with a blunt mace. I denied that I did, but still got in trouble. I was sent to the local guard station, I was asked a couple of questions with all of the responses, "I do not know!"

They sent me to prison reciting a poem by one of my friends.

Lines between brothers
Justice is same
Do what you wanna
Cause you cant walk away

Someone else wearing a red and black suit came in to the cell with me.
I asked him who he was and he said "Aeon." I shrugged at the wierd name and told him mine. "I am Bolvar Fordragon." I asked Aeon what he was and he said very dimly "Shade." I didn't understand what a shade was. Suddenly I fell to the ground holding my head. "Arghh, what's going on!" I asked in searing pain. Then I looked up and the shade was dimly glaring at me.

"Aeon..." I was interuppted "Call me shade." I shrugged and said "Shade, how did you get in here." I asked. He replied with a "I beat someone down with a blunt...weapon." he said. I jumped and rushed towards him. "Because of you!" Then I flew towards the bars. I opened my mouth and drew my eyes towards the hand only four feet away from me. "I do intend to breakin' out" said the Shade. I was dropped to the ground and released. "How?" I asked.

The Shade layed against the bars, when suddenly a guard came by. "Hey you." said the Shade to the guard. The guard turned towards the shade and even through his helmet we could see the guards face was pale. The shade reached down the bar and picked of the key lock. Click The shade got out and turned towards me. "You comin'?" he asked. I nodded and then gulped.

To Be Continued

[Tanitha]

My advice, even though unasked would be to slow it down a bit. I spent a bit of time yesterday reading through your pieces and they mostly seem like frenetic recitals of events rather than a compelling and gripping story.

Take the time to develop the scene - create the right mood and ambience through your words. I'm not a writer myself, but something like:

My treacherous tale begins in Stormwind on a red autumn day. The leaves in the park made a crackling tapestry of russet, gold and brown as I wandered to my favourite watering hole, The Pig and Whistle Tavern. Unadorned, the drinks were served in unbreakable wooden mugs but the wenches were buxom and friendly, the company boisterous and it had the welcoming warmth of home.

"Bolvar, you foul dog!" a loud, drunken voice slurred behind me. A meaty hand clamped itself down on my shoulder and pulled me off the bench. "What in the name of Malfurion do you think you were you doing?"

The heavy handed scoundrel was Thortok, a known drunkard and rogue with a sneaky disposition and a love of the guards' golds. A sneakthief with the morals of a snake and cheap. Very cheap. Today though he looked mean, mad and mean.

Before I had a chance to protest my innocence a leather shod boot dug into my side and then the blows began raining down ...
Like I said. I'm not a writer and English isn't my first language, but that should hopefully give you an idea of what I mean.

[deathfromabove]

the plot of the story, at least as it is currently written, makes no sense.

[Tanitha]

Well, I'm getting the impression that Bolvar is a character in Stormwind. The shade appears to be his tricksome alter-ego that causes trouble, making people think it is him. It is in actual fact Bolvar, but he has not yet come to terms with his darker more malicious side and needs his shade to escape from the jail he landed in after the shade went around beating people up.

I think.