Make Me Laugh

[Telic]

Can we have a chuckle please :)


There once was a lass from Australia
Who painted her ass like a dahlia
The shape was just fine
And the colours divine
But the Aroma, well that was a failure

[Califtw]

You shouldn't talk about your Mom that way :laugh:

I kid...hate me if you want

[kcma]

telic's mommy did indeed have that problem :p i would know right *wink*

[odinsnephew]

Hey Telic im feeling a bit low at the moment but that made me smile. Thanks mate ;)

[Tikki]

Did you hear about the girl named hotdog?

[Brene]

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant. WAY TOO COOL!!!!!!!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! ZAP ! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have to explain to the landlords what that burn spot is on the face of the fridge.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries.

Right?!!!



There I sat in my recliner, my son's cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to use this thing to protect against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries, thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny, little ole thing, couldn't hurt all that bad....... I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER! WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION O_o_O_o!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself!!!! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-*****!!!!! that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles & I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

[Kodonn]

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest......

I had to laugh, but I salute your courage. :laugh:

I believe the correct term for your device is a stun gun. A tazer actually shoots a prong with a wire attached so that you can incapacitate your mugger at a distance, and continuously apply voltage as needed.

Speaking of incapacitate....(my electronics is a bit rusty) but I believe it is a capacitor which allows those 2 little batteries to pack such a whallop.

Here is another bit of trivia. (In the US anyway) the tazers that I mentioned...you need a permit to carry. All police officers who carry one must first undergo "what the mugger feels". (i.e. They get zapped)


It does give you a better understanding of how to use that "cute little" thing, and what to expect from it. Doesn't it ?



Did you hear about the girl named hotdog?

Tiki....still waiting to hear this one. I need more laughs today please.

[IRPander]

So this blind guy walks into a bar...

[Tikki]

Tiki....still waiting to hear this one. I need more laughs today please.

*hopes she doesn't get banned*

..ahem...she was all lips..and arse.... teehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe


what about this blind guy?

[Stigg]

what about this blind guy?

You failed the joke contest.

[Kodonn]

So this blind guy walks into a bar...

(For Tiki)

"So this blind guy walks into a bar.......OUCH !!"

See what a difference 1 word can make ?:wink:

[DaWok]

Diarreah is genetic, because it runs in your jeans. Is it really that hard to catch?

[Telic]

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop .....


Trivia : when walking in to rooms in which you suspect there could be Live electrical wiring hanging free, such as buildings after fire damage, or vandalised building sites, the advice is that you hold your arms out leading with the backs of your hands, i.e. with your palms facing yourself. Presumably in the belief that it is relatively much safer for the resultant electrical spasm to cause you to punch yourself in the face, rather than actually grasp the wire and be unable to let go !

So my advice would be that the next time you're tempted to walk in to a gun store - simply punch yourself in the face and walk on ! :tongue:


Actually this reminds me of the "Darwin Awards".
"The Darwin Awards salute the improvement of the human genome by honoring those who accidentally remove themselves from it..."

Check out :

http://darwinawards.com/darwin/

for hours of fun :wink:

[Kodonn]

the advice is that you hold your arms out leading with the backs of your hands, i.e. with your palms facing yourself. Presumably in the belief that it is relatively much safer for the resultant electrical spasm to cause you to punch yourself in the face, rather than actually grasp the wire and be unable to let go !

That also applies to testing fences to see if they are electrified.
Use the back of the hand so that any resulting jolt does not cause you to grab and hold onto the wire.

Why would anyone want to test an electrified fence you ask ?
Here in the states, especially the midwest, it is very common for farmers to use electric fencing on their fields. (It's quick and temporary. Alows them to fence a field after harvest and let the livestock clean up the left-overs)

Howver...this makes for interesting times if you get permission to hunt a farmers fields and he forgets to tell you about the electric fence. :embarassed:

Interesting time #2: If you find yourself crossing a field and nature calls.
Always check for electric fence before relieving yourself in that seemingly inocuous stand of weeds.

[JaedxRapture]

Can we have a chuckle please :)


There once was a lass from Australia
Who painted her ass like a dahlia
The shape was just fine
And the colours divine
But the Aroma, well that was a failure

*Queue Triumph accent*
That's a very nice post.... for me to poop on!

I keed, I keed.
*:tongue:*

[Tikki]

(For Tiki)

"So this blind guy walks into a bar.......OUCH !!"

See what a difference 1 word can make ?:wink:

I thought the '....' meant there was more to come.
I guess my blonde is coming through.

[IRPander]

I thought the '....' meant there was more to come.
I guess my blonde is coming through.

Happens to us all, except kc of course. :rolleyes:

[bearbehind]

A Man is on the sofa watching telly when his wife struggles through the door with the weekly shopping.

The man looks over the woman and notices that there are no beers in the shopping bags.

Man: Wheres the beers?

Wife: We can't afford them, we're on a budget.

The man however notices that his wife has treated herself to a new handbag, a new pair of shoes and some make up whilst she was out.

Man: Why did you buy those if we're on a budget.

Wife: but honey I still want you to find me attractive.

Man: What do you think the bloody beer was for!

[Brene]

I have to solemnly defend myself...the taser thing was all fiction:wave:. As long as it made you laugh though believe what you may. :grin:

[PlayThemAll]

I have to solemnly defend myself...the taser thing was all fiction:wave:. As long as it made you laugh though believe what you may. :grin:

I actually saw one of the video's from a police training class where each officer had to experience what it was like to be hit with a taser.

A friend in the class said it was the most painfull thing he had ever experienced.

[Dark Matter]

MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?
MAN: He's at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.

The next day, the man returns.
MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Well... where is he?
MAN: He's at home!
CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.

The next day the man returns.
CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack?
MAN: Put your hand inside.
CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm... It's warm and moist! What is it?
MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.

[bearbehind]

Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and Arthur Scargil???


Scargil hasn't seen a miner's helmet in years! :grin:

[Dark Matter]

No one outside the UK or under the age of 25 is going to know (or care) who Scargill was.

[Brene]

A 6 year-old tells his 4 year-old brother "You know what? I think
it's about time we started cussing." The 4 Year-olds nods his head in
approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say
something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass.' ok?" The 4 year-old
agrees with enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6
year-old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw hell Mom, I
guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK!!! He flies out of his chair,
tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes
out with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.
She locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay in there until I let
you out."

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year-old and
asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young
man?" "I don't know, but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."

[Timmyo]

lol great topic guys

[bearbehind]

Did you hear the one about the deaf man?


Neither did he... :rolleyes:

[Twoflower]

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-2102628803685923733&q=bill+bailey+insurance&total=7&start=0&num=10&so=0&type=search&plindex=0

:D

[Telic]

The Pig (Anonymous)
-------

It was an evening in November,
As I very well Remember,
I was strolling down the street in drunken pride,
But my knees were all a-flutter,
And I landed in the gutter,
And a pig came up and lay down by my side.

Yes, I lay there in the gutter,
Thinking thoughts I could not utter,
When a colleen passing by did softly say
"You can tell a man who boozes
By the company he chooses" -
And the pig got up, and slowly walked away.

[Pipkin]

Found this on a forum for a different game, but as it applies to WoW - figured I'd put it here for y'all to enjoy.

"Our church had just gotten a new pastor and there was a small picnic where we were welcoming him to the congregation. My friend who is an avid wow pvper with me has a daughter who is 5 and was with him at the time but when we go to shake the priest's hand the youngin' looks up at the priest and says, "My daddy is a warlock and he says he owns you guys all the time."

I still haven't stopped laughing."

:grin:

[Tanitha]

:laugh: True, true. Is that you Pipkin?

[Pipkin]

I wasn't the poster of that tale, no, I just cracked up reading it when I found it on another game forum I'm frequenting now. My first thought was, "Have to post this to WoW forums." Second thought, "I know of at least one warlock who just might appreciate the humor."

Long time, Kat/Tanitha - how goes it? :)

[Tanitha]

It is Pipkin! Whooot! It goes well, I'm finally back on the Venture Co after a long hiatus leveling my sexy little Blood Elf Warlock. Are you still rumbling around like the mad mage on there? Wait. I need to find a joke otherwise I might be WAY off topic.

Maybe try my Pikachu one again? :grin:

[Pipkin]

Outside of the WoW vs. Church post I just made, I'm fresh out of decent jokes...or, hrm, well there is one other that -might- work. (Provided no one derails the face-value humor of it and turns it into a "how dare you insult the politics" thread.)

On-topic attempt at humor:
So Chelsea Clinton is interviewing a young American about his hopes and fears at the moment. "What do you fear the most, given the climate of things at present?" The boy mulls it over for a few seconds, then responds.

"Osama," and Chelsea nods.
"Obama," another nod from Chelsea.
"And yo' Momma."
please be forgiving if you find this joke offends

@Tanitha: I'm infrequently bouncing around WoW. Been mucking about another game for the past so many months, working their version of PvP and questing PvE. However, I've kind of missed my WoW account so I've been logging in on either Venture Co or (ugh) Azuremyst - trying to level. Last I saw of you, you were working the Horde side of things (which is what I do on Azuremyst with my B/E pally). What level you get your 'lock up to?
Azuremyst is an ok server, i just think Venture Co's style was more...engaging what with having to watch yourself in certain areas.

[Telic]

How do you kill an entire circus ?

Go for the juggler




What do you call 100 Nuns in a music shop?

Virgin Megastore




What do you call a pig with 3 eyes?

A Piiig



What do you call a Scottish cloakroom attendant?

Angus McCoatup




Two Nuns are driving down a road late at night when a vampire jumps onto the bonnet.

The Nun who is driving says to the other, "Quick! Show him your cross."

So the other Nun leans out of the window, and shakes her fist and screams, "Get off our effing car."

[Wodgar]

There was one of those "look how cute kids can be" programmes on TV a while back, but one kid's quote made me laugh my socks off. He was under 10, and very hesitant.

When asked what he thought about the Miracle where Jesus turned water in to wine at the wedding in Cana, the kid replied very slowly and thoughtfully :

"When your party runs out of wine ............. get on your knees and pray"

( I've tried this many times btw and it never works :cry: )





Which reminds me of the religious examination paper essay that had the priceless line :

"The Jews were a proud people and, throughout history, they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals."

Ouch ! :shocked:





I trust that no one is silly enough to think either of these quotations is either anti-Semitic, or anti-Gentile, or even anti-Genital :tongue:

[Telic]

Errrr....for the Americans reading the joke about the vampires and nuns....


"Two Nuns are driving down a road late at night when a vampire jumps onto the hood of the car.

The Nun who is driving says to the other, "Quick! Show him your cross."

So the other Nun leans out of the window, and shakes her fist and screams, "Get off our effing car."


:ponder:

[Wodgar]

Two cows are standing in a field.
One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other cow smiles "Naahh. I'm a horse!"

[Telic]

Don't all groan at once :tongue:


"I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me."


"Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest."


"Show me a grand piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor."


"Alcohol and calculus don't mix so don't drink and derive."


"What's the definition of a will?
(I'd give you a clue but it would be a dead giveaway)."


"A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart."


..... and my personal favorite .....

"What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho Cheese."

[Brene]

"What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho Cheese."

I like that one.

I don't usually like these heartwarming stories, but this one is truly interesting...

In 1986, Mike Hogan was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mike approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mike worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mike stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Mike never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mike was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mike and his son Owen were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mike, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mike couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mike summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mike's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant. :shocked:

[Telic]

You are all FAILING in your duty to make me laugh :upset:

So here are some pictures I found :tongue:


Not exactly a "pot" of gold :shocked:

http://newmedia.funnyjunk.com/pictures/end-of-the-rainbow.jpg


Maths is easy!

http://newmedia.funnyjunk.com/pictures/math_ruined.jpg

[Brene]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute. “Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. “Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

----------------------------------------------------------------------

And for the fathers out there.....

http://vid142.photobucket.com/player.swf?refURL=/&file=http://vid142.photobucket.com/albums/r81/dreamingtree33/BabiesandFathers.flv

[Slit Throat]

What do you call a mexican with no legs? [No offense....]
Gracias.

Why do blondes have bruises on their belly buttons? [No offense....]
Because the blind guy's just as dumb.

What do you call a muslem flying an airplane? [No offense....]
A Pilot you racist bastard!

[Telic]

@Slit Throat

Before your note gets nuked, I'll just say I enjoyed jokes 1 and 3. Especially joke #3 ;)

[Slit Throat]

Thanks cheers me up a little bit after I got my ass beat by an asian I'm on vacation for gods sake.. I'm posting it in the "Tell me" thread by tikki if you're interested....

[Telic]

Mmm, well I enjoyed joke 3 because it turns the tables on the person being asked the question, who is expecting a racist joke...which of course it isn't. Its a great comment on the state of people's minds after 9/11, and how seeds of racism get planted, and how we shouldn't be complacent about our attitudes.

I'm very sorry if you were attacked, but mentioning the ethnicity of your attacker makes me wonder if you have understood the joke. Gang members and violent acts are committed by peoples of all creeds and colours, so lets not try and set up some kind of specific connection to ethnicity.


Well, now I really need a laugh, and so does Slit Throat by the sound of it :D

Anyone ?

[Slit Throat]

Cheers. Lemme search my memory for one prefferably not racist...

Thinking - Please wait...

OK one I heard from a kiwi friend.
What's the fastest animal from a standing point? [No offense...]
A Kiwi hearing the drop of a coin

Did you know that a Sperm Whale's body can be as long as 32ft? <-- that one made me laugh when I heard it in a science video in 4th grade

What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant lady?
You can unscrew a lightbulb

Why was the gay guy fired from sperm bank? [No offense...]
He was caught drinking on the job

How many pimps does it take to screw in a light bulb?[No offense... not like I want to get jumped again....]
3. One to change the bulb and two to chase hoes around

OK
Save the rest for another time.

[FireofDps]

Cheers. Lemme search my memory for one prefferably not racist...

Thinking - Please wait...

OK one I heard from a kiwi friend.
What's the fastest animal from a standing point? [No offense...]
A Kiwi hearing the drop of a coin

Did you know that a Sperm Whale's body can be as long as 32ft? <-- that one made me laugh when I heard it in a science video in 4th grade

What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant lady?
You can unscrew a lightbulb

Why was the gay guy fired from sperm bank? [No offense...]
He was caught drinking on the job

How many pimps does it take to screw in a light bulb?[No offense... not like I want to get jumped again....]
3. One to change the bulb and two to chase hoes around

OK
Save the rest for another time.

Your going to get jumped by pimps, f'cked in the prison, and when you get out you will be a pregnant lady.

Dont mess with people, and it wont happen to you.

[dancingstarr]

OK
Save the rest for another time.

How about you just keep them all for yourself? Really.

If you feel a need to have to type "[no offense]", chances are you're going to offend someone, somehow. The fact of the matter is that by typing "[no offense]" you're kind of saying, "Well, I'm going to offend you, and I really don't give a crap what you think about it. I'm just pretending to."

For example:

No offense, but you're really fat.
No offense, but redheads are stupid.
No offense, but I don't like gay people.

See where I'm going with that? How could a reasonable person be expected to not take offense at those statements? This forum is populated with brilliant, reasonable people. Do you really want to make a habit of offending any or all of them?

You're just as well leaving that whole "[no offense]" business out. Or, not saying things to which you need append "[no offense]".

/rant over

:lipsrsealed:

[Slit Throat]

Haha. I just don't wanna get banned otherwise I'd just say them without "No offense...." at the end.

No forum accepts racism unless it's like a hardcore who-gives-a-**** forum

[TobTatKittyCat]

Ok, here's one, for those of you who can appreciate a southern joke.

Boudreaux, Thibodaux, Gautreaux and Pierre all went on a hunting trip. They only had two tents and no one wanted to sleep with Boudreaux because he snored so loudly. The others decided that to be fair they would rotate who had to sleep with Boudreaux. Pierre had to sleep with him first, and he stepped out of the tent next morning grumpy, with bloodshot eyes, and his hair a mess. The rest say "Man you look turibble". He replied, "Man dat Boudreaux snore so loud, I can't sleep a wink....I just watch him all night long" The next night was Thibodaux's turn. Same thing next morning, Thibodaux all grumpy with blood shot eyes. They all say " Man Thibodaux, you look like a train hit you". Thibodaux say, "Yeah, from the noise you da thought there was a train was in my tent. All I could do was watch Boudreaux snore all night long." Third night was Gautreaux's turn. Next morning he come to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed, happy and whistling, and said "Good morning all". They can't believe it. They say "How da heck did you get sleep with all dat snoring?" Gautreaux say, "Well Boudreaux and I get ready for bed and I reach over and kiss him on the cheek and pat his a** and said "Good night sweetpants".........and Boudreaux he stay up and watch me all night!

[Kodonn]

How about you just keep them all for yourself? Really.

If you feel a need to have to type "[no offense]", chances are you're going to offend someone, somehow.

You're just as well ...... not saying things to which you need append "[no offense]".

/rant over



Nicely said dancingstarr. :thumbsup:
But I wouldn't call that a rant. It's more like a bit of good advice.

[Stigg]

Haha. I just don't wanna get banned otherwise I'd just say them without "No offense...." at the end.

No forum accepts racism unless it's like a hardcore who-gives-a-**** forum

Your hardcore. When I grow younger, I want to be just like you.

[FireofDps]

Haha. I just don't wanna get banned otherwise I'd just say them without "No offense...." at the end.

No forum accepts racism unless it's like a hardcore who-gives-a-**** forum

Im planning to make one of those forums, bunch of forums dont accept any of bad things, if I make my forum its going to be a 'free for all' kinda thing. Just chill back and do whatever.

But I dont know if im going to make the forum anytime soon. ;)

[Gavriel]

... bunch of forums dont accept any of bad things ...

One wonders why.

[FireofDps]

@Gav

Because half of them are stupid as hell, and arent Inv Free.

[MrBCorp]

DEAR DIARY

DEAR DIARY - DAY 1
We just celebrated our 30th Wedding Anniversary with not much to celebrate.
When it came time to reenact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

DEAR DIARY - DAY 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

DEAR DIARY - DAY 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Something must change soon.

DEAR DIARY - DAY 4
I'm hoping for a miracle. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac pills with the Viagra pills, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

DEAR DIARY - DAY 5
What absolute bliss!!!

DEAR DIARY - DAY 6
Isn't life wonderful.But it's difficult to write while he's exercising his newly found MANHOOD.

DEAR DIARY - DAY 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. (No pun intended!)Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, I have to admit, it's very nice . .
I don't think I've ever been so happy.

DEAR DIARY - DAY 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his "new" friend as a weed whacker. I'm also getting a bit sore.

DEAR DIARY - DAY 9
No time to write. He might catch me.

DEAR DIARY - DAY 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much.
What am I going to do?

DEAR DIARY - DAY 11
I'm basically being screwed to death here. It's like living with a Black and
Decker drill. I woke up this morning pinned to the bed. He's a complete PIG!!!

DEAR DIARY - DAY 12
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing makeup, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous . . .

DEAR DIARY - DAY 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Ooops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.

DEAR DIARY - DAY 14
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a Nun, but this just seems to make him hornier.
Help me!!!

DEAR DIARY - DAY 15
I think I'll have to kill him. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over anymore.

DEAR DIARY - DAY 16
The bastard has started to complain about not getting enough. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest that he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

DEAR DIARY - DAY 17
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference! Here he comes again!!!

DEAR DIARY - DAY 18
Aaaahhh! He's back on Prozac. The lazy bastard just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him.

What absolute bliss!!!

[Tavid]

Okay please excuse the rotten humor, it's just the kind of humor I enjoy and I will try to censor it as much as possible for all the virgin ears and eyes out there.

Many of you prolly all know these but I'm sure there is a few out there who haven't so enjoy!

"Little boy blue... he needed the money"

"Jack and Jill when went up the hill each with a buck and a quarter... Jill came down with $2.50 ... ***That lady who stands on the street corner***"

"Little Jack Horner sat in the corner eating his pizza pie, he **pooped*** pepperoni and blew his friend Tony and wiped his mouth on his tie"

"Peter Peter Pumpkin eater had a wife and loved to beat her, slapped her twice across the head ***made love to her*** booty and went to bed"

"Little bo peep had some sheep she kept in her backyard and when she took her ***underwear*** off their wooly ***Male genitals*** got hard."

"Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get her old dog a bone but when she bent over.... Rover took over........ She got a bone of her own"