Lester
03-07-2009, 10:35 AM
From the Journal of Kalen
World of Warcraft . . . it never seems to end. No matter how much I try, there's always something bigger to kill, something better to buy. I've already lost everything that was ever precious to me, my life, my sanity, myself, all because the urge to adventure, the urge to explore this intricrately bizarre universe of infinite shenanigans, full of wonder and magic, with a whole lot of would-be heroes and villains, but mostly numbskulls, twits, and insanely colossal creatures. Few words can truly describe this magnificently horrifying and mildly satisfactory universe, but let me tell you my story that seemed to have captured most of the lunacy therein, anyway, and a whole lot of the buffoonery, but also a little bit of the heroism, villainism and mighty wonders and magic of this unique world.
But let me start from the beginning. . .
Somehow, it all started with the inexplicable urge to smash hideously-rendered creatures, and before I knew it, that's how I found myself in the disturbingly fascinating universe of World of Warcraft . . .
Zapped into Northshire Valley with a big amnesiac headache, Kalen found himself with nothing but a broken wooden sword, a chewed-up gum, and a shiny new stamp signature on his buttocks saying property of Blizzard, which he doesn't remember at all he agreed to. I really gotta read those EULA's first, was his first thought. The serene valley hosted the all-too-familiar Northshire Abbey, home to newcomers and many coming-and-going visitors. It was surrounded by impenetrable mountains, a river could be heard running nearby, and also strangely enough, providing the seemingly perfect background music was the incessant whacking of fluffy and fuzzy animals of sorts.
"Hey there, newbie!" Called at Kalen a giddy, gangling fella with rat's tail hair and chinstrapped beard, with a pegland and a pegland replacing his missing limbs, looking like the before advertising of something. "Say, how would you be interested in floating your way through this entire adventure, effortlessly achieving all the best equipment and skills there are, instead of doing it all the hard way like all those other bozos and losers?"
"What? You mean cheating? No way, no how. I live by a moral code!"
"Well, your lost, starchy. Prepare yourself for an endless uphill struggle of repeated whacking until you get even the slightest whiff of fame or notoriety. But hey, look at the bright side, at least you'd get to make some new friends!" He pointed nearby at a host of bedraggled men and women being chased by wolves, kobolds, and one scrawny man was even chased by a rabid rabbit, screaming something along the lines of "Au Secours! Au Secours!".
"Well, as soon as they all stand still that is," added Crookshanks ironically.
"On second thought," said Kalen, decisively breaking all his moral codes, "what's the quickest way up?"
"Great that you ask! But that depends, how much money do you have?"
"5 copper coins, it came with the starting kit I think."
"Ahhh... I see. Any rich uncles? Grampas? Secret inheritance stash?"
"Nope."
"Well, I can't give you the premium. Actually," said Crookshanks more reservedly, "I can't give you any deal, but here's a complementary hawkstrider's beak you can keep, on the house, come back to me when you're loaded, kiddo."
"Gee thanks," said Kalen, wondering what the hell is a hawkstrider's beak is useful for (seriously?). "I guess I got lots of adventuring to do..."
"Pshaw, adventuring," dismissed Crookshanks. "You know, I was like you once, all filled up with big aspirations of doing great things, of becoming a hero, slaying ginormous creatures, conquering the world...of warcraft."
"What happened? Is midlife crisis really as bad as they say?"
"Listen buddy, it's a lunatics ground out there, don't you realize? There's always someone better than you, more addicted than you, and eventually the feelings of shame and inadequacy get to you-- they sear through your soul, man! Turning you into a shell of your own self, all broken and lost. My conclusion? Never hope, never try."
"Well, still, I got this 10 days free shiny coupon. I'd hate it to go to waste."
"Hey, you know what? Just stick with me kid, I know this world like I know the back of my peghand. . . (which he then noticed was missing) hey, where'd it go?" He said, then saw it in the maw of a wolf who was scampering away with it.
"Aren't you gonna go after it?" Asked Kalen.
"Nah, my prosthetic insurance covers everything from wolves to giant harpies," assured Crookshanks.
"I... didn't know harpies come in giant size, but okay."
"Anyway, let's hit Stormwind," gestured Crookshanks, "that's the place to go whether you're a king or a street sweeper, if there is a spot to start this adventure, this is it... you'll love it."
"Stormwind" Blurted Kalen gleefully, his eyes lighting up. That was the city he read all about in that brochure, he remembered. . . walking through the dirt road of Elwynn Forest, he couldn't wait to see the most glorious of the Alliance cities everyone was always talking about.
And so, somehow, as Crookshanks and Kalen headed towards Stormwind, our protagonist got the feeling he would regret this moment for the rest of his life. But on the other hand, he had the sneaky suspicion it would be a very short one. . .
((If you like it, let me know, so I'd post more parts))
World of Warcraft . . . it never seems to end. No matter how much I try, there's always something bigger to kill, something better to buy. I've already lost everything that was ever precious to me, my life, my sanity, myself, all because the urge to adventure, the urge to explore this intricrately bizarre universe of infinite shenanigans, full of wonder and magic, with a whole lot of would-be heroes and villains, but mostly numbskulls, twits, and insanely colossal creatures. Few words can truly describe this magnificently horrifying and mildly satisfactory universe, but let me tell you my story that seemed to have captured most of the lunacy therein, anyway, and a whole lot of the buffoonery, but also a little bit of the heroism, villainism and mighty wonders and magic of this unique world.
But let me start from the beginning. . .
Somehow, it all started with the inexplicable urge to smash hideously-rendered creatures, and before I knew it, that's how I found myself in the disturbingly fascinating universe of World of Warcraft . . .
Zapped into Northshire Valley with a big amnesiac headache, Kalen found himself with nothing but a broken wooden sword, a chewed-up gum, and a shiny new stamp signature on his buttocks saying property of Blizzard, which he doesn't remember at all he agreed to. I really gotta read those EULA's first, was his first thought. The serene valley hosted the all-too-familiar Northshire Abbey, home to newcomers and many coming-and-going visitors. It was surrounded by impenetrable mountains, a river could be heard running nearby, and also strangely enough, providing the seemingly perfect background music was the incessant whacking of fluffy and fuzzy animals of sorts.
"Hey there, newbie!" Called at Kalen a giddy, gangling fella with rat's tail hair and chinstrapped beard, with a pegland and a pegland replacing his missing limbs, looking like the before advertising of something. "Say, how would you be interested in floating your way through this entire adventure, effortlessly achieving all the best equipment and skills there are, instead of doing it all the hard way like all those other bozos and losers?"
"What? You mean cheating? No way, no how. I live by a moral code!"
"Well, your lost, starchy. Prepare yourself for an endless uphill struggle of repeated whacking until you get even the slightest whiff of fame or notoriety. But hey, look at the bright side, at least you'd get to make some new friends!" He pointed nearby at a host of bedraggled men and women being chased by wolves, kobolds, and one scrawny man was even chased by a rabid rabbit, screaming something along the lines of "Au Secours! Au Secours!".
"Well, as soon as they all stand still that is," added Crookshanks ironically.
"On second thought," said Kalen, decisively breaking all his moral codes, "what's the quickest way up?"
"Great that you ask! But that depends, how much money do you have?"
"5 copper coins, it came with the starting kit I think."
"Ahhh... I see. Any rich uncles? Grampas? Secret inheritance stash?"
"Nope."
"Well, I can't give you the premium. Actually," said Crookshanks more reservedly, "I can't give you any deal, but here's a complementary hawkstrider's beak you can keep, on the house, come back to me when you're loaded, kiddo."
"Gee thanks," said Kalen, wondering what the hell is a hawkstrider's beak is useful for (seriously?). "I guess I got lots of adventuring to do..."
"Pshaw, adventuring," dismissed Crookshanks. "You know, I was like you once, all filled up with big aspirations of doing great things, of becoming a hero, slaying ginormous creatures, conquering the world...of warcraft."
"What happened? Is midlife crisis really as bad as they say?"
"Listen buddy, it's a lunatics ground out there, don't you realize? There's always someone better than you, more addicted than you, and eventually the feelings of shame and inadequacy get to you-- they sear through your soul, man! Turning you into a shell of your own self, all broken and lost. My conclusion? Never hope, never try."
"Well, still, I got this 10 days free shiny coupon. I'd hate it to go to waste."
"Hey, you know what? Just stick with me kid, I know this world like I know the back of my peghand. . . (which he then noticed was missing) hey, where'd it go?" He said, then saw it in the maw of a wolf who was scampering away with it.
"Aren't you gonna go after it?" Asked Kalen.
"Nah, my prosthetic insurance covers everything from wolves to giant harpies," assured Crookshanks.
"I... didn't know harpies come in giant size, but okay."
"Anyway, let's hit Stormwind," gestured Crookshanks, "that's the place to go whether you're a king or a street sweeper, if there is a spot to start this adventure, this is it... you'll love it."
"Stormwind" Blurted Kalen gleefully, his eyes lighting up. That was the city he read all about in that brochure, he remembered. . . walking through the dirt road of Elwynn Forest, he couldn't wait to see the most glorious of the Alliance cities everyone was always talking about.
And so, somehow, as Crookshanks and Kalen headed towards Stormwind, our protagonist got the feeling he would regret this moment for the rest of his life. But on the other hand, he had the sneaky suspicion it would be a very short one. . .
((If you like it, let me know, so I'd post more parts))