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Authors Note: The people who read this story will be informed that there are chapters and it will be set in different posts.
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Chapter 1: Elwynn Forest,
In the depths of Elwynn Forest was a warrior very powerful that soon he became one of the legends of the Scarlet. The story goes on to one person, Herod.
Herod stood close to the soldier asking for his help, he walked to him and asked what the problem was. "I need you to talk to the captian, inside the abbey." said the soldier. "Uh ...okay" said Herod he walked to the captain and told him what was going on. The captain said "Those creatures surrounding the bonfires by the cavern North-West of the abbey. Herod refused and said that he would rather work for the on he loved. Herod later had to move away
to a place called Hillsbrad Foothils. Herod became mad because of the one he loved was gone.
"I am saddened by the loss of my lover." said Herod as he looked down to the floor. Then he heard some mumbling. Herod walked closer to the noise he heard and clearly heard his fathers voice, "The ones by Tarren Mill, they are rebelling against Stormwind they are starting to make a treaty with the Trolls." another voice was heard, then a clicking sound was heard. "This crystal should kill all of the traitors." Herod's father said. Herod backed away and ran to Tarren Mill. Herod told the ones about the crystal. Minutes later Herod's father and other soldiers came to throw the crystal into the depths of the town. Herod was nervous didn't know what to say. "Herod, what are you doing here?" Herod's father said. Herod had no reply and just ran away. The Tarren Mill guards snuck up behind Herod's father and slayed him. "Stop the crystal from falling!" said one of the villagers. Herod turned around, he saw that everyone in Tarren Mill was dead. Herod bent his knees and covered his face in tears.
Years later Herod was recruited by one he had lost long ago. He was surprised to find out that she was still alive. "Herod, you are a brave knight and I am asking you to be my noble commander." the high priestess had said. Herod had replied "I will do your bidding..." Herod is now one of the commanders of the Scarlet and is found in the armory of the Scarlet Monestary. Herod silently waits for stuff to happen in his monestary.
Be sure to read Herod the Brave so you understand this one!
Chapter 2: Preparing for Battle
Herod stood in his room waiting for the High Priestess to tell him information. Herod was offered armor that made him look deadly and very powerful."Ma'am I was wondering if you know who I am?" said Herod. "I must have more time to think but I cannot right now Herod, I must prepare for the battle." said the priestess. Herod sat back down on his bench. Herod then heard swords clashing and armor cracking and voices screaming. Herod stood up violently and yelled out "By the name of the Scarlet, how dare you defy me!" Herod ran outside of him room and was watching two Scarlet soldiers arguing over who gets the wolf. There was a gunshot, BOOM! Herod fell to the ground in pain, looked up, and cowered in fear. "Who are you?" said a tall human with two dogs by his side. "I am Herod the Brave." said Herod still in pain. The tall man gripped his hand and pulled him up. "Sorry I did that to ya." said the dog trainer. Herod glared at the man. "Uh why aren't you wearing your Scarlet Tabard? said Herod. The man just giggled, he whispered to Herod, "Because I am part of the Defias Brotherhood hehehehe" Whack! Herod fell to the ground once more holding his stomache. The man giggled again. "Arrghhgh" screamed the man while he was in searing pain. The high priestess was there holding her hand up towards the direction of the dying Defias Brother. "Thanks" said Herod. The priestess just smirked then walked away. Herod layed in the Health Center while his wounds were surgeacly cured.
After Herod's wounds were cured he stood up and glared at his hand. "Crippled." he said. The priestess walked in and she layed her hand on his hand. Herod stared at his hand and the light that was coming from it. Herod closed his eyes. "Argghh" he said. "My hand its... its...cured...but how"
The Priestess smirked again and walked out of the room. Herod stood up showing off his broad shoulders, he walked out of the room following the priest. "Ma'dam I must inform you that I, Herod am the one that loved you when we lived in Elywnn Forest." said Herod. The priestess quickly turned around towards him. "Ma'dam I am sorry I left to Hillsbrad, it was my only choice." The priestess spoke, "Herod, I am glad that I remember it was you that I was in love with when we were younger, but I am already in love with one of our commanders." Herod stared at the priestess. "Ma'dam, who is this person you are in love with?" The preistess didn't reply and kept walking. Herod's anger started to swell. "Graahghgh!" he yelled as he grabbed his customized blade. The soldier behind him tried to calm him down but was slayed in the process. "Ughhhh" Herod said in pain. Herod turned to his right while the priest was pointer her hand at his location. "Ma'dam... why are you doing this, why are you...er...trying to kill...me?" said Herod. "Herod, I am sorry that it will not work out between us, but you must calm down!" the priestess said. "Whitemane..." Herod was trying to say as he fainted.
Authors Note: Whitemane is the priestess' real name I used it in the last chapter because it was time to unleash the character.
Chapter 4: Scarlet Slayers
Herod woke once again. "Ughh, my arm!" Herod said. "I hope that will teach you to not go psycho on one of my soldiers." said a voice deep in the shadows. "Whitemane, I know it is you." said Herod. Herod got up to walk to his quarters and get his gear. "Whitemane, the battle. Has it begun?" asked Herod. "Yes they are already in the cathedral" said Whitemane. "I will aid my soldiers when i get my gear, Ma'dam." said Herod.
When Herod got outside he was looking at a -Preist-Hunter-Warrior-Mage-Paladin- Herod backed away slowly as he watched his soldiers got slaughtered. "Tarren Mill" Herod said. Herod ran back into the cathedral followed by the slayers. "Whitemane, the slayers they are...ahhh!" Herod screamed in searing pain. "I am shot, ATTACK!" said Herod. As the slayers were getting attacked Herod watched as he bounced his blade against the ground. Minutes later the soldiers were dead and Herod was getting attacked. Herod rose his weapon and swiped his blade at the Hunter. "Die!" Herod yelled. "Priestess, I have failed you!" Herod said as he fell to the ground. The priestess walked outside as she was getting attacked. "Sleeping time." Whitemane said while stunning the slayers. "Rise my noble knight!" Whitemane yelled as she resurrected Herod. "At your service, my lady!" Herod said as picked up his blade. Herod killed another. Herods cheer grew until he looked to his left. "Be strong, Herod." Whitemane said as she fell to the ground. "No!" Herod yelled. Herod grabbed the blade firmly and stuck it through his stomache. Herod was dead. The Scarlet slayers sometimes claim that if you walk through scarlet monestary you can still fight the past using your own method of combat.
Hmm. Your story has a lot of problems. Structure-wise, it is far too short; the chapters are extremely brief, and plot development is choppy. Your sentences are also not creative: they almost never break out of the "subject verb object" pattern. I recommend taking your time more and really trying to develop a single scene with a good deal of detail. There is no need to rush- and if anything, this story feels rushed.
so i tried to read the first chapter/paragraph thing, and i could barely make sense of it. its too jumbled, all your thoughts run together in it, it comes across as rather scatterbrained. in all honesty if youre going to post 478231782173892718378919 stories within a two day period, please take the time to write them. its better to have one compelling story than 47823782174814728378912 stories that leave the readers confused and disoriented. it makes me want to pass reading any future writing by you.
/rant
also if you think your story is so great, dont ask people what you think about it. especially if you dont like what you hear.
out of 1-10 <1.5>
Last edited by rottentomato; 26-02-2007 at 11:04 PM..
Hmm...potential? Maybe. Extreme Potential? Not in its present form & style (or lack of). I agree with rottentomato, this was almost unreadable - scattered, jumbled, facts/events/people come in & out in the blink of an eye.
My impression is that this isn't a story (yet) but the outline of a story. If you feel that it has "extreme potential", you will need to develop both the story (plot, dialogue, descriptions) & your writing style. You should definitely write the story out in some word processing program, run it through a spell check, a grammatic check, etc.
You asked a for a rating, in its present state I would give it a 1.0 As to my reasons, see above.
Follow your own request. List your reasons why this story has "extreme potential".
Ok, i am beggining to think that no one hear knows a real story. The other person who wrote the gulch obviously has no life if he/she can write a 100k word story. Lol and thanks for the rate, @#$
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